Before the next issue on oral sex, I thought I would take this opportunity to write about my favourite subject - dating! Seeing as I am back into the dating scene I thought I would offer some tips for you guys. Some of you need help and others, well they really need help! And I’m sure there are women who fit into this category as well.

There are many ways to meet people: the internet, pubs & clubs all work; basically anywhere where the opposite sex may be. I have tried them all apart from the work thing; and the internet has been the most entertaining so far.

Until recently I had a profile on www.nzdating.com, and I would spend hours sorting and replying to all the messages in my in-box.  I was a gold member and very aware of my reply ratio. I never wanted look like I was some snob who never replied.

Messages like … “Are you horny for me tonight?”, with a photo of a cock were saved and shown to the girls for a laugh. Why these men thought a photo of their privates would do it for me I have no idea… especially with the business I own! Hahahaha. But of course they didn’t know that about me.

Men who had good profiles were messaged back first and naturally a photo was a real winner. There is no excuse for not having a photo, unless of course, you are married or in a committed relationship. Then really you should either get it sorted or move out! Oh, and if you can’t find a current photo get a mate to take one, placing a photo on that is ten years old is never good! (More on this point shortly).

Internet dating certainly speeds up the process of dating, but one thing I did find is that I was consistently meeting for coffee with men I would never take the time to make eye contact with if I saw them at a bar! Then I would have to sit there for an hour explaining why I thought it was just not going to work! There are certainly a lot of desperate men out there. Please don’t be one of them.

It is said that it takes 30 seconds to make an impression, and then it’s all lost if it goes wrong. So how can you help yourself? PLEASE make sure you brush your teeth, because women tend to look at teeth! And halitosis is a real turn off. Bad breath stinks!

Shower and find some clean clothes to wear! Work boots, dirty tee shirts and shorts are okay for meeting up with the boys - but not your future lady.

Eye contact and a hands-off approach is a good start.

When you meet for the first time please don’t try to stick your tongue down her throat and don’t ask for sex! Or explain how great you are at performing in the bedroom... The type of guys that need to explain this kind of detail are A) usually deluded, B) socially impaired, and C) usually overcompensating because they are in fact, pretty shit in bed. The type of guys that most women find hot are charming enough to intrigue a woman into finding out about their boudoir skills - without having to mention a word of them. Save the boasting for after you’ve licked, caressed and teased her into a multiple orgasm puddle of jelly. Never before.

If your wardrobe is still in the wedged firmly in the last century please go shopping, and ask for help from the sales assistant – it's their job, so they really are happy to help you.

Be honest with your answers and don’t try to embellish; I know the interviewing process is tough but it can also be fun.

I have had some serious dates from hell. Halitosis man from Tauranga was extremely scary! Mind you I take my hat off to him for making the effort to come up from Tauranga just to meet me. He told me that he had fallen in love with me the moment he saw me. Great! Just a shame that he had lied about his age and had sent me a photo of him ten years younger! (Did you honestly think I wouldn’t notice a slight discrepancy there?)

Because I felt sorry for him I didn’t think it was a great idea just to say ‘sorry you’re not for me’ and go. So instead I stayed and listened to him go on (and on and ON) about how we would be perfect together. He had a hearing problem! He obviously didn’t hear me when I said it that I didn’t feel that there was any chemistry between us. Please don’t let this guy be you – learn how to listen to women by paying attention to their body language as much as what comes out of their mouths.

So eventually I went to the bathroom to text my girlfriend “call me and tell me that the kids need me - NOW! She did and I escaped….

Phew!

Needless to say I no longer have a profile on nzdating... hahahah...