It’s official, winter is HERE. Time for fun in our kiwi sub antartic weather… and as such a proud sporting nation there are literally HUNDREDS of sporting opportunities to relax in the freezer and get plastered in pursuit of the your alcohol blanket. Trouble is, many of these venues don’t provide alcohol.. at a reasonable price - I mean let’s be honest, getting hammered is probably the only legal way to enjoy a kid’s sporting event/Jack Johnson concert/romantic picnic. The places that DO serve expect you to pony up at least $10 for a sorry little cup of watered-down beer. It’s enough to make a respectable drunkard sit inside and drink in the dark all day, shunning the wintertime challenge in defiance of overpriced booze and the unenlightened world’s teetotaling ways.
Have no fear my friends, DrinkPlanner is here to show you there is a better way, a way you can frolic and imbibe in the great outdoors to your heart’s content. Sure, it involves a little trickery, but you had no choice, THEY drove you to it. So without further ado I present…
1. Flasks - The classic accessory for the boozer on the go, it has stood the test of time and then some. Many a refined gent and discerning lady still use the flask to this very day for their on-the-town beverage needs. It pays to get a quality one, the one I own I only used once, because the piece of shit leaked as soon as I turned it on its side (when I sat down). The whole point is to be discreet, and here I had a big wet spot on my pants and reeked of bourbon (and that kind of thing is somewhat frowned upon at a baby’s baptism, I don’t think I need to tell you). Another downside is it LOOKS LIKE A FLASK so unless you’re super-sly about it, anyone who looks your way while you use it will know what you’re up to. So you may want to try…
2. Flasks That Don’t Look Like Flasks - Some of these are less obvious than others (for example, this camera one just looks like a rectangular square of metal). There are plenty of variations, but my personal favorite is the “Barnocular” fake binoculars, which hold a full 16 oz. They look like a decent pair of binoculars, can be held around your neck (which is very close to your MOUTH, bonus!), is separated in two (so you can transport two different types of booze if you like) and as I mentioned, holds 16 oz, which is more than double what most traditional flasks hold. The one downside is that most are made of metal, so anywhere you go that has a metal detector (like many sporting events or big concerts) you risk getting busted. So it might behoove you to take a look at…
3. The Beerbelly - A polyurethane pouch that secures around your midsection and holds A FULL 80 oz of glorious, life-enhancing booze. Is there a downside? Not really, unless you count looking like you’ve put on a few pounds. Chances are if you’re planning on toting 80 oz of anything to a venue, you’re an experienced enough drinker to already have developed your own beer belly, so I doubt that would be a deterrent. And guess what, they even have a version for your ladyfriends! Behold…
4. The Winerack - Not only can you hold 25oz of whatever mind-freeing beverage you choose, but it will make your boobs look bigger! Yep, a brassiere filled with sweet delicious booze is what’s on the menu. By the time you and your new friend consume your boob-booze, he won’t even notice that you went from a c-cup to an a-cup. But it would take one shallow son-of-a-bitch to demean the girl who shared the Water of Life with him directly from her bosom by turning around and judging her by the size of her blouseclowns. So maybe you want to play it safe and try the gender neutral…
5. Stadium Sippin’ Seat - Holds up to 300 lbs (huzzah, fatasses!), and 750 ml (which is equivalent to a normal bottle of wine or a fifth of hard liquor), the sippin’ seat is fantastic for drinking on the sly. It’s low down enough while sitting on it that most people won’t see it as you pour your tipple into whatever cup you can find. As an added bonus, your booze will literally be saving your ass from the pain of sitting on some God-forsaken bleachers to endure whatever stupid sporting event you’ve been dragged to (why couldn’t your retard nephew take up karate…that’s INdoors!). However, maybe your needs are more specialized…maybe you’re climbing the corporate ladder but just aren’t sure you can make it there without a sip of the good stuff along the way. Fear not my booze-brothers, for there is…
6. The Kooler Klub - Chock full ‘o booze and one “K” away from hardcore racism, the Kooler Klub is here to save you from the drudgery of hitting a small white ball at a slightly larger hole in the ground 18 times in a row for like a bazillion hours. 48 oz of liquid joy await your dispensing from within the Klub with the mere pushing of a lever. Granted, this is more specialized than the others, but is SO easily concealed and holds such a high quantity that we couldn’t leave it off this list. Impress your boss by being the only one in your group with the cajones enough to get obliterated in front of him. Don’t act like you’re a stranger to it.
So there you have it, 6 solid ways to get seriously DOOKIEFACED in front of family and friends without them ever noticing. If you’ve got other ways to sneak a sip of the good life behind the backs of others, leave it in the comments so we can all benefit from the sly ways of each other. We boozers need to stick together, sharing the ancient secrets and ways of boozers long forgotten in order to pass along the legacy of boozing masters down through the generations so that all may benefit.
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