Discussing :: Best Joke, Quote or Riddle

#71

An old prospector walks his tired old mule into a western town one day. He had been out in the desert for about six months without a drop of whiskey. He walked up to the first saloon he came to and tied his old mule to the hitch rail. As he stood there brushing some of the dust from his face and clothes, a gunslinger walked out of the saloon with a gun in one hand and a bottle of whiskey in the other.
The gunslinger looked at the old man and laughed, saying, "Hey old man, have you ever danced?"
The old man looked up at the gunslinger and said, "No, I never did dance. I just never wanted to."
A crowd had gathered by then and the gunslinger said, "Well you old fool, you are gonna dance now," and started shooting at the old man's feet. The old prospector was hopping around and everybody was laughing. When the gunslinger fired his last bullet he holstered his gun and turned around to go back into the saloon.
The old man reached up on the mule, drew his shotgun, and pulled both hammers back making a double clicking sound. The gunslinger heard the sound and everything got quiet. The crowd watched as the gunslinger slowly turned around looking down both barrels of the shotgun. The old man asked, "Did you ever kiss a mule square on the ass?"
The gunslinger swallowed hard and said, "N-n-n-n-o. B-b-but I've always wanted to."

#72


In the middle of harvesting, one of the farmhands had to obey the call of nature. He went to the edge of the field and started to pee.
Most unfortunately, he was stung by a bee right on the tip of his manhood.
The pain was unbearable, but he remembered a piece of good advice.
He went to the farmer's house and put his thingy in buttermilk.
At that moment, the farmer's daughter walked in. Her face red, she stood perfectly still looking at him.
"Have you never seen one of these before?" the farmhand asked.
To which the girl replied, "Yes, but this is the first time I've seen one being reloaded!"

#73

A lady had walked in the doctors office, soon as the doctor had noticed her all of his professionalism had went out the door when he started to examine her the first thing he told her to do was to take off her pants he began to rub her inner thigh, and his first question to her was
"do you know what i'm doing now?"
she said, "yes you are checking for abnormalities"
then the doc told her to take off her shirt and bra, and he began rubbing on her boobs. he asked, "again do you know what i'm doing now?"
she said "yes, you are checking for cancer" then the doc started to get on top of the lady and started to hump her.
he asked, "do you know what i'm doing now" she said, "yes ,you are getting syphilis and that’s what i came here to get treated for."


My wife and I are watching "Who Wants To Be A Millionaire" while we are in bed. I turned to her and said, "Do you want to have sex?"
"No," she answered.
I then said, "Is that your final answer?"
"Yes," she replied.
Then I said, "I'd like to phone a friend."
That's the last thing I remember after waking up in Hospital.

#74

Back in the early 1960's, a young fellow walks into a talent agent's office and says he wants to break into show-biz, so the agent says "OK kid, show me what you do."
The kid tells some jokes, does a little soft shoe, sings a bit, does an acrobatic act with an ottoman, and is good enough to impress the agent.
"Great kid! Just great!" says the agent. "I can do things for ya! I think I can get you a show on TV. By the way, what's your name?"
The young man, proud and excited, exclaims, "Penis van Lesbian."
"Excuse me?" questions the agent.
"My name is Penis van Lesbian" again replies the young man.
"Hey I'm sorry kid, you're gonna have to change your name, nobody is gonna hire you with a name like Penis van Lesbian."
Well, the young man is crestfallen but steadfastly refuses to change his name, so he leaves to find another agent.
A few months later he returns to the same agent. "Hey kid! Good to see ya again!" says the agent, "Are ya still looking for work? Have ya changed your name?"
With his head hanging low the young man replies "Yes. Every agent in town turned me down because of my name, Penis van Lesbian. So, I've changed it."
"Great kid, great! What's your new name?"
"Dick van Dyke."

#75


An attractive lady is waiting in the emergency room. A doctor walks in to her room and asks her "What is the problem ma'am?"
The lady replies, "Doctor, I have been having trouble with my rectum, it hurts really bad."
The doctor tells the woman, "Why don't you lay on your stomach so I can take a look at it, OK?"
So, the woman turns over and the doctor begins to examine her rear end. After a while, the doctor asks the young lady, "Ma'am, have you had anal sex lately?"
The lady replies, "No, why?"
The doctor then says, "Would you like to?"

#76

There was a very unusual hospital where one of the main treatments was that the nurses would take the male patients home and sleep with them.
But there was one patient, Rob, no one wanted to take him home. He was a small man, and he had tattooed on his penis the word 'SHORTY'.
Well, finally, Valerie, feels sorry for him and takes him home and sleeps with him. She comes back to work the next day smiling.
The other nurses ask what she could possibly be so happy about after sleeping with a guy with SHORTY written on his penis.
"Yes," replies Valerie, "but when he becomes aroused, it says, 'SHORTY'S RESTAURANT AND PIZZERIA'... "
"Wow!" they say.
"...'ORDERS TO TAKE OUT'," Valerie continues. "'ALL BAKING DONE ON PREMISES...ESTABLIS HED 1922...PARTIES ARE OUR SPECIALTY'."

#77

One evening Ole and Sven are sitting in the bar getting drunk. Ole turns to Sven and asks, "Ven do you suppose dose girls are gonna make out vit us?"
Sven says, "Donno, but I'm drunk enuf to go ask em!"
So off they go to the apartment where Ole knocks on the door. Lena answers and says, "Vell, Ole and Sven, come on in!"
Ole no more than gets in the door when he says, "Ve yust come to find out ven you girls are gonna make out vit us."
Lena is really upset by this and throws them both out, slamming the door on them. Ole is persistent and knocks on the door again.
Lena isn't stupid, she knows it's Ole and says, "Ole if you are gonna be so forward, you'll have to talk through the keyhole."
So Ole bends to the keyhole and asks, "Ven you girls gonna make out vit us?"
Lena is really upset now. She drops her pants, backs up to the keyhole, and breaks wind.
As Ole is backing up and shaking his head, Sven asks, "Vell Ole, vat did she say?"
Ole says, "Vell, I tink she said FFFFfffffrrriiddaay, but her breath is so bad I'm not askin' again."

#78

A nun was walking in the convent when one of the priests noticed she was gaining a little weight. "Gaining a little weight are we sister Susan?" he asked.
"No, Father. Just a little gas." sister Susan explained. A month or so later the priest noticed that she had gained even more weight.
"Gaining some weight are we sister Susan?" he asked again. "Oh no, father. Just a little gas."
She replied again. A couple of months later the priest noticed sister Susan pushing a baby carriage around the convent.
He leaned over and looked in the carriage and said, "Cute little fart."



An old man and old woman had been married for about 52 years when one day the old woman died. The entire family showed up to the funeral.
Every day after the funeral the old man would show up at the grave with his dog and spend a few minutes out there.
About two months later a priest saw the old man out there with his dog and decided to go talk to the old man.
"Hello there. You know, we see you come out here every day to visit your wife's grave and we just think that so sweet. We were all wondering if the dog is something that was special to your wife since you always bring it out here with you."
"No, actually I bring the dog out here to pee on the grave. I'd do it myself, but I'd get arrested for indecent exposure!"

#79

Three men had been at a wild office party and died in a car accident on Christmas Eve. They soon found themselves at the Pearly Gates waiting to enter Heaven. But before they could pass, Saint Peter required them to present something related to Christmas.
The first man pulled off his sweater and handed it to Saint Peter.
"This sweater is made from virgin wool. You know, like Mary was a virgin."
"Well, that's a bit of a stretch, but I'm feeling lenient," Saint Peter replied. "You can go on in."
The second man quickly scratched on a business card and handed it to Saint Peter. "Before I died, I was a manager," he said. "But I scratched off the second 'a,' and now it says 'manger.'"
Saint Peter rolled his eyes. "Okay, that's really a stretch. But since I let the other guy in, I suppose you can go in as well."
The third man pulled out a pair of women's underwear and handed them to Saint Peter.
"Now look, this is ridiculous," Saint Peter exclaimed. "I was willing to give the other two guys the benefit of the doubt, but I fail to see how this could possibly be related to Christmas!"
The man blushed and responded, "They're Carol's."

#80

There were these three farmers that wanted to win the state fair contest for having the largest hog. They decide that they should stick a cork in the pigs ass and feed him for a month before the fair. The only problem was that none of them wanted to be the one to stick the cork in. So they bought a monkey and trained him to stick corks in bottles. After a week or two of this, they stick the monkey in the pen with the pig and a cork, and after a minute, the monkey did what he was supposed to do. The farmers fed the pig for a month and sure enough, they won first prize. Once they got home, they realized they still had to take the cork out. So they trained this same monkey to take corks out of bottles. They stuck the monkey in the pen with the pig, and the farmers woke up three days later in the hospital with a reporter sitting next to them. The reporter asked the first farmer, "What is the last thing you remember?"
"Shit flying everywhere," the farmer replied. The reporter asked the second farmer the same question and got the same response. When she got to the third farmer and asked him what he could remember, he started crying.
The reporter asked, "What's the matter?" The farmer replied, "The last thing I remember is the look on the poor monkey's face as he tried to stick the cork back in.

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