Discussing :: Best Joke, Quote or Riddle

#61

A man walked into the vegetable section of his local supermarket and asked for half a head of lettuce.
The boy working there told him that they only sold whole heads of lettuce.
The man was insistent that the boy asked his manager about the matter.
Walking into the back room, the boy said to his Manager, "Some tosser wants to buy a half a head of lettuce." As he finished his sentence, he turned to find the man standing right behind him, so he added, "And this gentleman kindly offered to buy the other half."
The manager approved the deal and the man went on his way. Later, the Manager found the boy and said, "I was impressed with the way you got yourself out of that situation earlier. We like people who think on their feet here.
Where are you from son?"
"Originally from Essex sir," the boy replied.
"Why did you leave Essex ?" the manager asked.
The boy answered, "Sir, there's nothing but whores and footballers there."
"Really?" said the manager. "My wife is from Essex ."
"No shit!" the boy replied. "Who does she play for?"


"Hey Doug," said Bill, "Did you know a lot of shrinks say sex on the first date can prohibit any truly meaningful and lasting relationship from ever developing?"
"Damned right!" replied Doug. "I count on it."

#62

This lady goes to the gynaecologist but won't reveal to the receptionist what's wrong with her, just that she must see a doctor right away. After hours of waiting, her name is called, and she's taken to the examination room.
The doctor asks, "Okay, my good woman, what is your problem?"
"Well," she says, "my husband is a very compulsive gambler and every nickel he can get his hands on he gambles. I have scrimped and saved every dollar I could to save up $500. I didn't know a safe hiding place, so I stuffed it up my vagina. But now, I can't get it out!"
The doctor says, "Don't be nervous. I see things like this all the time."
He asks her to remove her clothes and sit on the edge of the examination table with her legs apart. As he's putting on his rubber gloves, he glances up at her and asks... "I only have one question. What am I looking for? Bills or loose change?"


A football coach noticed that his star tackle, Bubba, had so many women hanging around that he couldn't possibly handle all of them. So one day he asked Bubba, "Just what the hell is your secret?"
Bubba replied, "Well, coach, whenever I'm about to have sex, I always whip it out and bang it on the dresser like a hammer. That numbs it and I can screw 'em forever!"
The coach went home early that day and went straight to the bedroom. He heard his wife in the shower and, seeing a window of opportunity, tore off his clothes and started banging his penis on the dresser.
His wife immediately stuck her head out of the shower and said, "Is that you, Bubba?"

#63

Ten year old Johnny rushes home from school. He invades the fridge and is scooping out some cherry vanilla ice cream when his mother enters the kitchen.
She says, "Put that away, Johnny. You can't have ice cream now. It's too close to supper time. Go outside and play."
Johnny whimpers and says, "There's no one to play with."
Trying to placate him, she says, "OK. I'll play with you. What do you want to play?"
He says, "I wanna play Mommie and Daddy." Trying not to register surprise and a bit confused about what her 10 year old son was learning in school, she decided to appease him, by saying, "Fine, I'll play. What do I do?"
Johnny says, "You go up to the bedroom and lie down."
Figuring that she can easily control the situation, Mom goes upstairs.
Johnny, feeling a bit cocky, swaggers down the hall and opens the utility closet. He dons his fathers old fishing hat. As he starts up the stairs he notices a cigarette butt in the ashtray on the end table. He picks it up and slips it in the corner of his mouth. At the top of the stairs he moves to the bedroom doorway.
Really confused, and now even a bit worried, his mother raises her head and says, "What do I do now?"
In a gruff manner, Johnny says, "Get your ass downstairs and get that kid some ice cream!"

#64

A young Scotsman was all set up for his very first screw, but his girlfriend says, "Sorry Jock, not without a condom."
Young Jock searched the town high and low, but being a Sunday, every place was closed.
Walking around, he eventually met Old Angus, a very good friend of his father. Young Jock explained his problem.
Old Angus said, "Don't worry son, I can help you out."
Young Jock took off and the night was beyond his wildest expectations.
A week later, he met Old Angus in the street and told him about his experience.
"It was wonderful, Angus. Thanks to you, I had the best time I have ever had."
"Just glad I could help out son; now where's the condom?" asked Old Angus.
Young Jock looked at him and replied, "I threw it away."
Old Angus, with a scowl on his face, said, "Ah, yer in trouble now laddie--that condom belonged to the club."

#65

Blonde: I think my tits are full of water.
Doctor: How do u figure that?
Blonde: Every time a guy squeezes them my pussy gets wet

A blowjob is the only job in the world that can't be included in your resume despite years of experience and a number of references!

Q: What's a birth control pill?
A: It's the second best thing a woman can put in her mouth to prevent pregnancy.

Q: Why are breasts located in the upper half of a woman's body?
A: Because, milk should be kept away from the pussy?

Q: What is the definition of "burning love"?
A: It's when at night you reach out for the Vaseline gel and pick up Vicks Vapor rub by mistake.

Q: What is the height of shock?
A: When you are having sex with a pregnant woman & suddenly a hand grabs your dick from inside!

#66

A traveling salesman visits a small town in the Midwest and sees a circus banner reading: "Don't Miss the Amazing Navy Chief."
Curious, he buys a ticket. The tent goes dark. Suddenly, trumpets blare and all eyes turn to the centre ring. There, spot lit in the centre ring is a table with three walnuts on it. Standing next to it is an old retired Navy Chief.
Suddenly the old man unzips his pants, whips out a huge penis and smashes all three walnuts with three mighty swings!
The crowd erupts in applause as the elderly Navy Chief is carried off on the shoulders of the crowd.
Ten years later the salesman visits the same little town and he sees a faded sign for the same circus and the same: "Don't Miss the Amazing Navy Chief."
He can't believe the old guy is still alive much less still doing his act! So he buys a ticket. Again, the centre ring is illuminated. This time, instead of walnuts, three coconuts are placed on the table. The Navy Chief stands before them, then suddenly unzips his fly and smashes the coconuts with three swings of his amazing member.
The crowd goes wild! Flabbergasted, the salesman requests a meeting with him after the show. You're incredible," he tells the Navy Chief. "But I have to know something. You're older now, why switch from walnuts to coconuts?"
"Well," says the Navy Chief, "My eyes aren't what they used to be."

#67

After discovering her young daughter playing doctor with the neighbour's boy, the angry mother grabbed the boy by the ear and dragged him to his house and confronted his mother.
"It's only natural for young boys and girls to explore their sexuality by playing doctor at their age." the neighbour said.
"Sexuality my arse!" The mother yelled. "He took out her appendix!


There are two statues in a park; one of a nude man and one of a nude woman. They had been facing each other across a pathway for a hundred years, when one day an angel comes down from the sky and, with a single gesture, brings the two to life.
The angel tells them, "As a reward for being so patient through a hundred blazing summers and dismal winters, you have been given life for thirty minutes to do what you've wished to do the most."
He looks at her, she looks at him, and they go running behind the shrubbery. The angel waits patiently as the bushes rustle and giggling ensues.
After fifteen minutes, the two return, out of breath and laughing. The angel tells them, "Um, you have fifteen minutes left, would you care to do it again?"
He asks her. "Shall we?" She eagerly replies, "Oh, yes, let's! But let's change positions. This time, I'll hold the pigeon down, and you shit on its head."

#68

Tommy walks into school 20 minutes late. "Sorry I'm late," he says, "but I didn't get my fucking breakfast."
"How dare you use language like that!" says the teacher, "stand in the corner!"
She then carries on with the geography lesson. "Who can tell me where the Canadian border is?" she asks - No one in the class answers.
Tommy puts his hand up. The teacher ignores him and continues to ask. Still no one answers so reluctantly she says to Tommy "OK, then where is the Canadian border?"
Tommy replies "He's in bed with my Mom, that's why I didn't get any fucking breakfast!"

#69

At one point during a game, the coach called one of his 9-year-old baseball players aside and asked, "Do you understand what cooperation is? What a team is?"
The little boy nodded in the affirmative.
"Do you understand that what matters is whether we win or lose together as a team?"
The little boy nodded yes.
"So," the coach continued, "I'm sure you know, when an out is called, you shouldn't argue, curse, attack the umpire, or call him a pecker-head. Do you understand all that?
Again the little boy nodded.
He continued, "And when I take you out of the game so another boy gets a chance to play, it's not good sportsmanship to call your coach 'a dumb asshole' is it?"
Again the little boy nodded.
"Good," said the coach. "Now go over there and explain all that to your grandfather".

#70

A very proper man started going into the neighbourhood drug store every week and buying 2 dozen boxes of condoms.
Week after week, he would come in with the same order.
One day, the druggist felt he had to say something to the man.
"Wow! You must have the stamina of a bull. Talk about getting lucky! How on earth do you use that many condoms a week?"
The man looked at him in disgust and said, "I beg your pardon, but I find the whole idea of sex repulsive!"
So, the druggist asked, "Then what do you do with all those condoms?"
The gentleman answered, "I feed them to my poodle now she poops in little plastic bags."


A sex researcher called one of his participants in a recent survey to check on a discrepancy.
"Sir, in response to the question of frequency of intercourse" the researcher said, "you answered 'twice weekly.'
Your wife, on the other hand, said 'several times per night.' How could this be correct?"
"That's right," the man said, "and that's the way its going to stay until the house is paid off!"

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