Discussing :: Best Joke, Quote or Riddle

#51

A girl went to a plastic surgeon asked to make another hole near her ass hole. Surgeon was surprised at such a body piercing request and asked,
"Why?"
The girl explained Economy is improving, business is good, I want to be rich young, and I am opening another branch.


A mother of two 16 year old blonde daughters had just bought a new house in a new town. So they were buying paint, shades and all that you would need for a new place.
The mother left the house to go shopping. She told the girls that she wanted them to paint the family room but, not get any paint on their clothes.
After the mother left the two daughters decided that they should just take off all their clothes to obey their mother. So there they were painting naked when they heard a knock at the door.
So they both went to the door and said "Who is it?"
The reply was " The blind man."
So the two blondes thought ... He's blind, so he won't be able to see us naked. They let him in.
The man said "Nice tits lady, now where do you want the blinds?"

#52

1. I come in many sizes. When I'm not well, I drip. When you blow me, you feel good.
What am I?

2. I have a stiff shaft. My tip penetrates. I come with a quiver.
What am I?

3. I make some guys shoot in the air. I usually have a little pecker. I'm better in your hand than in your bush.
What am I?

4. When I go in I might cause pain. I cause you to spit and ask you not to swallow. I can fill your hole.
What am I?



a nose
an arrow
a bird
a dentist

#53

SEX IS LIKE MATHS
You SUBTRACT the clothes
ADD the bed
DIVIDE the legs
Then MULTIPLY!!!!


Goldilocks, it's known, had lots of guys
And Pinnochio's one, I do surmise
She'd sit on his face
Stick his nose in that place
Then make the poor puppet tell lies!


An office manager was sent three secretaries, equally qualified, to fill one vacancy. "Well," thought the manager, "I'll give them an honesty test to determine which secretary to keep."
To this end, he gave each secretary a money bag to take and bank telling them that there was $50 in the bag. (In fact, he had placed $100 in each bag; thus the honesty test.)
The first secretary goes to the bank, discovers the extra money, banks $50 and returns the extra $50 to the manager.
The second secretary goes to the bank, discovers the extra money, banks the full $100, and returns with a deposit slip as proof.
The third secretary goes to the bank, discovers the extra money, banks $50, goes to the local TAB and uses the $50 to win $300, then returns, explains to the manager and gives him the all the money.

Question: Which secretary does the manager select to retain?
Answer: Well, DUH!... The one with the biggest breasts.

#54

Johnny wanted to have sex with a girl in his office...but she belonged to someone else...
One day Johnny got so frustrated that he went up to her and said, "I'll give you a $100 if you let me have sex with you..." but the girl said, "NO."
Johnny said, "I'll be fast, I'll throw the money on the floor, you bend down, and I'll be finished by the time you pick it up."
She thought for a moment and said that she would have to consult her boyfriend... so she called her boyfriend and told him the story.
Her boyfriend says ask him for $200 then pick up the money very fast... he won't even be able to get his pants down.
She agrees and accepts the proposal.
Half an hour goes by and the boyfriend is waiting for his girlfriend to call. Finally after 45 minutes the boyfriend calls and asks what happened...She said, "The bastard used quarters.......!"
Management Lesson: Always consider a business proposal in it's entirety before agreeing to it, and getting screwed.....


An American businessman was in Japan. He hired a local hooker and was going at it all night with her.
She kept screaming "Fujifoo, Fugifoo!!!", which the guy took to be pleasurable..
The next day, he was golfing with his Japanese counterparts and he got a hole-in-one.
Wanting to impress the clients, he said "Fujifoo".
The Japanese clients looked confused and said "No, you got the right hole."

#55

A couple went to the movies one night. In the middle of the feature, one girl leaned over to the other and whispered, "What should I do? The guy sitting next to me is masturbating."
"Don't do anything," her friend said, "Just ignore him."
"I can't," the first girl said. He's using my hand."


A first-time john went to a whorehouse. He entered a private room, put $50 on the table and dropped his pants. At the sight of the man's 18-inch penis, the hooker almost fainted.
"Hold on, pal," she said. I'll lick it, I'll suck it, but you are not sticking that in me."
The man pulled up his pants, picked up his money and said, "Screw you bitch. I can do those things myself."


A man walks up to a woman sitting alone at a bar. "Okay, so I came over here to ask you to dance, but I'm kind of concerned. I mean, we could hit it off really well, end up having a few drinks, next thing you know you're giving me your number because I'm too shy to ask for it I finally get up the nerve to call and we take in a movie, have some dinner.
I relax, you relax, we go out a few more times, get to know each other's friends, spend a lot of time together, then finally get past this sexual tension and develop this intense sex life, that is truly incredible.
Decide our relationship is solid and stable, so we move in together. Then a few months later get married, I get a promotion, you get a promotion, we buy a bigger house.
You really want kids, but I really want freedom, but we have a kid anyway, only to find that I am resentful, the sparks start to fade and to rekindle them we have two more lovely kids.
Now I work too much to keep up with the bills, have no time for you. Now you're stressed and stop taking good care of yourself. So to get past our slow sex life and my declining self-confidence I turn to an outside affair for sexual gratification.
You find out because I'm careless and a lousy liar, you throw me out (justifiably so). We have to explain to the kids why mommy and daddy are splitting up. That's just too sad.
Think about the children.
So, for God's sake, if you dance with me and we hit it off, let's just keep it sexual, because we both know where it's going."

#56

Little Johnny hears the word whorehouse in school and asks his father what it means. His father is quite shocked, and replies, "Well, uh, you go there to, uh, have a good time."
Johnny starts screaming and hollering that he wants to go there, too, but his father insists that he's too young.
Saturday night rolls around. Johnny's dad and a few of his friends head out to Mable's ("Liquor In The Front, Poker In The Rear! – Our Customers Come First!) for a "good time."
Naturally, Little Johnny tags along secretly.
After his dad and his dad's friends have been safely inside for some time, Little Johnny knocks on the door. The Madame opens the door. "Yes?" she asks.
"I'm here to have a good time!"
The Madame is a little puzzled, but, being a kind-hearted soul, invites Little Johnny inside. She gives him three donuts and then bids him goodbye.
When he gets home, his dad is frantic. (Dad obviously had come and gone at Mabel's.) "Where have you been?"
"I went to a WHOREHOUSE!" Johnny proudly boasted!
Johnny's dad blanched. "Uhh, you did? Umm, how was it?"
"Well, I managed the first two without any problem, but I just licked the third one!"


A man picks up a hooker and takes her back to his place. She informs him that her services will cost him a grand total of $5. The man gladly hands over the money and they dance the horizontal mambo.
A few days later the man is visiting his doctor and discovers that he has crabs. The man storms out of the office to find the hooker. She's on the same street corner where he picked her up before. He runs to her and screams,
"You gave me crabs!"
She replies, "For five dollars what were you expecting lobster?"

#57

3 Men were waiting to go to heaven. St Peter was at the gate and said, "However good you were to your wife that is the vehicle you will get in heaven".
The first guy comes up to the gate and says, "I never, ever cheated on my wife and I love her". So St. Peter gives him a Rolls Royce.
The next man comes up and says, "I cheated on my wife a little but I stilll love her." He gets a mustang and drives off into heaven.
The next guy came up and said, "I cheated on my wife alot". He gets a scooter.
Next day the guy that got the scooter was riding along and he saw the guy who owned the Rolls Royce crying.
He asked, "Why are you crying you have such a nice car?!" and the man sobbed, "My wife just went by on roller skates".

#58

An extremely drunk man looking for a whorehouse stumbles into a Podiatrist's office instead and weaves over to the receptionist.
Without looking up, she waves him over to the examination bed and says, "Stick it through that curtain."
Looking forward to something kinky, the drunk pulls out his penis and sticks it through the crack in the curtains.
"That's not a foot!" screams the receptionist.
"Holy shit, Lady. I never knew you had a minimum!"

An Indian is having his breakfast (coffee, croissants, bread, butter and jam) when an American man; chewing gum, sits down next to him.
The Indian ignores the American who, nevertheless, starts a conversation.
American: "You Indians eat the whole bread?"
Indian (coolly): "Of course."
American: (after blowing a huge bubble)"We don't. In America, we only eat what's inside. The crusts we collect in a container, recycle it, transform them into croissants and sell them to India." The American has a smirk on his face.
The Indian munches on... gives a cold look but did not reply.
The American refuses to take the cue and persists: "Do you eat jelly with the bread??"
Indian: "Of Course."
American: (cracking his gum between his teeth and chuckling). "We don't. In America we eat fresh fruit for breakfast, then we put all the peels, seeds, and left overs in containers, recycle them, transform them into jam and sell the jam to India."
The Indian puts his coffee mug down...looks straight in the American's eye and then asks: "Do you have sex in America?"
American: "Why of course we do", the American says with a big smirk.
Indian: "And what do you do with the condoms once you've used them?"
American: "We throw them away, of course."
Indian: "We don't. In India, we put them in a container, recycle them, melt them down into chewing gum and sell them to America.

#59

A young man, with a promising career ahead of him, decided to marry a respectable convent girl, untarnished with the sins of contemporary society. After the wedding service, the bridal couple had to drive through the more unsavoury areas of the city on the way to the reception.
"William, what are those women doing leaning against lampposts?"
"Oh, those are just tarts who hire their bodies out for sex at fifty dollars a time."
"Wow, fifty dollars!" exclaimed the bride, "the monks only used to give us an apple..."


Bob visited his doctor, seeking help for his terrible addiction to cigars. The doctor was quite familiar with his very compulsive patient, so recommended an unusual and quite drastic form of aversion therapy.
"When you go to bed tonight, take one of your cigars, unwrap it, and stick it completely up your butt. Then remove it, rewrap it, and place it back with all the others, in such a fashion as you can't tell which one it is. The aversion is obvious, you won't dare smoke any of them, not knowing which is the treated cigar."
"Thanks doc, I'll try it." And Bob did. But three weeks later he came back and saw the doctor again.
"What? My recommendation didn't work? It was supposed to be effective even in the most addictive of cases, such as yours is!" answered the doctor.
"Well, it kind of worked, doc. At least I was able to transfer my addiction," replied the Bob.
"What is that supposed to mean?" demanded the doctor.
"Well, I don't smoke cigars anymore, but now I can't go to sleep at night unless I have a cigar shoved up my ass."

#60

The Day the Penis asked for a Raise in salary for the following reasons:

I do physical labour.
I work at great depths.
I plunge headfirst into everything I do.
I do not get weekends or public holidays off.
I work in a damp environment.
I work in a dark workplace that has poor ventilation.
I work in high temperatures.
No matter where I go for work, I always end up working next to a asshole.
My work exposes me to contagious diseases.
Sincerely,
P. Niss

The Response
Dear Penis:
After assessing your request, and considering the arguments you have raised, the administration rejects your request for the following reasons:
You do not work 8 hours straight.
You fall asleep after brief work periods.
You do not always follow the orders of the management team. You do not stay in your designated area and are often seen visiting other locations.
You do not take initiative - you need to be pressured and stimulated in order to start working.
You leave the workplace rather messy at the end of your shift.
You don't always observe necessary safety regulations, such as wearing the correct protective clothing.
You will retire well before you are 65.
You are unable to work double shifts.
You sometimes leave your designated work area before you have completed the assigned task..
And if that were not all, you have been seen constantly entering and exiting the workplace carrying two suspicious-looking bags.
Sincerely,
V. Gina

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