Discussing :: Best Joke, Quote or Riddle

#31

A man goes to a restaurant and orders a chicken dish. By the time the food is ready and he is about to eat, the waiter comes back and says, "Sir, I'm afraid there has been a mistake. You see, that police officer who is sitting at the next table is a regular customer of ours and he usually orders the same dish. The problem is, this is the last chicken in the house. I'm afraid I'll have to take this dish to him and arrange for another dish for you!"
The guy gets really upset and refuses to give up his food.
The waiter walks over to the other table and explains the situation to the officer.
A few minutes later the officer walks over to the man's table and says, "Listen and listen good. That is MY chicken you are about to eat and I'll warn you, whatever you do to that chicken I'll do the same to you. You pull out one of its legs; I'll pull out one of yours. You break one of its wings; I'll break one of your arms!"
The man calmly looks at the chicken, then sticks his middle finger in the bird's rectum, pulls it out and licks it.
He then gets up, drops his pants, bends over and says, "Your turn!!"

#32

One day, during English class, Miss Figpot asked her class, "who can tell me the meaning of indifferent?"
The class fidgets a little, and they all look at one another. No one knows. Finally, Little Johnny sticks up his hand.
The teacher, hesitant to call on him because of his propensity for foul language and sexual inuendo, looks for another student to ask.
Finally when no one else raises their hand, she says, "yes, Johnny?"
"Miss Figpot, it's means lovely."
Relieved, but a little puzzled, the teacher says, "Johnny, can you explain why you think indifferent means lovely?"
"Sure, teach. Last night when I was in bed, I heard Mom say, 'that's lovely'. Dad replied to her, 'Yep,it's in different.'"

#33

Banta leaves his place at the bar to go have a piss. He comes back about ten-fifteen minutes later, sits down at the bar, muttering and swearing very softly.
The bartender approaches him and asks what the problem is.
"Oh some son-of-a-bitch snuck up behind me while I was at the urinal and put a gun to my head."
"Ouch! What happened?"
"He told me to give him a blow job or he'd blow my brains out!"
"Yeah, then what?"
"Well you didn't hear a gun shot, did you???"


A woman enrolled in nursing school was attending an anatomy class. The subject of the day was involuntary muscles.
The instructor, hoping to perk up the students a bit, asked the woman "Do you know what your asshole does when you're having an orgasm?"
"Sure" she said. "He's at home, taking care of the kids"

#34

A gorgeous brunette storms into a pet shop demanding her money back from the owner. “You sold me this frog and told me it would be able to satisfy all my sexual desires!” she screams. The owner tries to calm her down and asks, “Did you do what I told you to do?” “Yes, of course! I got naked, lay back on my bed, and he did nothing!” she shouts. The owner, looking confused, replies, “He’s a perfectly trained frog. I can’t understand what’s wrong.” He takes the woman and the frog to a back room in the shop, where he places the frog on a small table next to a bed and asks the woman to get naked and lie down. Turning to the frog, he says, “Now watch carefully, because this is the last time I’m showing you this!”

#35

The Rich Guys says to the poor guy, I got my wife a diamond necklace and a convertible for X-mas... The poor guy asks the rich guy, why did you get her two gifts... The rich man responds, well if she doesn't like the diamond necklace she can drive to the mall and buy something else... The poor guy says to the rich guy, well I got my wife a pair of flip flops and a dildo... The rich man asks the poor guy why he got her two gifts... The poor guy responds... I got her a pair of flip flops and if she doesn't like it she can go fuck herself!


Seems there were three friends who always wanted to play golf on a Saturday afternoon, but couldn't, because of their wives. One day, after many years, they finally get together on the golf course and are waiting at the first tee, when the first guy says, "I had to buy my wife a diamond necklace to get to play today!!!"
The second guy says, "That's nothing. I had to buy my wife a new sports car to get out here today!!!"
The third guy says, "Boy you guys are sure whipped. I didn't have to buy my wife anything!!!"
They both look at him and ask, "How did you manage that?" He says, "It was easy. When I got up this morning, I looked her straight in the eye and said, 'Golf course or intercourse,' and she threw me a sweater and said, 'Take this. It's cold out there!'"

#36

After listening to the elderly hooker plead her case, Judge Hanson called a brief recess and retired to his chambers. Enroute, he bumped into Judge Forbes.
"Say," said Hanson, "what would you give a sixty-three-year-old hooker?"
"Oh gosh," replied Forbes, "five or six bucks tops."


Sexually dysfunctional Sam and unsupportive Sharmi a middle aged disgruntled couple were playing all spousal trickeries to command submissiveness of each other. So Sam took a suitcase and started packing it.
Angry Sharmi asked, "Where the hell you think you are going?"
Sam said, "I am flying to Fiji Island. My close to heart friends tell me sexy women on the Beach there will allure me with their nudity and then they will give hundred dollars for a POP with my ROCK. I will be Satisfied and Rich."
Sharmi started quickly packing herself. Sam asked, "And where do you think you are going. I can't have you with me when I am with other women."
Sam said, "Ya.., I want to see which bitch gives you hundred dollars a Pop of Flop and feed you there too."


Rahul and Kajol made a deal that whomever died first would come back and inform the other of the after life. Their biggest fear was that there was no after life.
After a long life together, the husband was the first to die. True to his word, he made verbal contact, "Kajol....Kajol. ":
"Is that you, Rahul?"
"Yes, I've come back just like we agreed."
"That's wonderful! What's it like in your afterlife?"
"Well, I get up in the morning, I have sex. I have breakfast and then it's off to the golf course. I have sex again, bathe in the warm sun and then have sex a couple of more times. Then I have lunch (you'd be proud - lots of greens) another romp around the golf course, then pretty much have sex the rest of the afternoon. After supper, it's back to golf course again. Then it's more sex until late at night. I catch some much needed sleep and then the next day it starts all over again."
"Oh, Rahul you surely must be in Heaven!"
"Not exactly..., I'm a rabbit on a golf course in Mumbai."

#37

Girl: Do you believe in puppy love?
Boy: I tried it once, but their assholes are too small.

A woman walks up to a guy in a blue bathing suit and says, "Did you know your eyes match your swim trunks?" He says, "Why? Are my eyes bulging?"

Two woman were talking about the new hunk in the neighborhood. "But he acts so stupid," said one to the other. "I think he must have his brains between his legs." "Yeah," her friend sighed, "but I'd sure love to blow his mind."

Love thy neighbour all through the day... but first make sure her husband's away!

#38

Beware ladies, bit rough.

What is the difference between a bachelor and a married man?
Bachelor comes home, sees what’s in the refrigerator, goes to bed.
Married man comes home, sees what’s in the bed, and goes to the refrigerator.

What’s soft and warm when you go to bed, but hard and stiff when you wake up?
Vomit

What’s the difference between normal sex and anal sex?
Normal sex will make your day, anal sex will make your hole week!!

What’s the difference between a whore and a bitch?
Whore’s fuck everyone at the party, Bitches fuck everyone at the party except you.

What’s worse than getting raped by Jack the Ripper?
Getting fingered by Captain Hook.

When does a Cub Scout become a Boy Scout?
When he eats his first Brownie

What would happen if the Pilgrims had killed cats instead of turkeys?
We’d eat pussy every Thanksgiving.

#39

A young wife, who was becoming frustrated with her young husbands constant demands for sex, decides to make a schedule for him, to cut down on the amount of times that they will have to make love for the rest of their marriage.
While getting ready for work, she writes on a piece of paper, "Honey, you know I love you, but your never ending requests for sex are leaving me drained and really tired. So I propose that we only have sex on days that start with the letter 'T', to minimize the frequency of our lovemaking sessions. Don't be mad at me honey, just understand where I am coming from, and let me know if my request is too demanding of you."
On her way out the door, she uses a refrigerator magnet and sticks the note to the fridge door, hoping that her sex craved husband will be understanding and accepting of her proposal when he reads it.
Upon returning home, she glances at the refrigerator and notices that her note has been replaced with a note from her husband that reads, "Baby, I didn't' realize that I was putting you under so much pressure and I'm sorry.
I accept your proposal and have even taken the extra step of listing at the bottom of this letter, those days starting with the letter 'T' to make sure that we are on the same page.

1. TUESDAY
2. THURSDAY
3. TODAY
4. TOMORROW

P.S. I love you too, and remember it's still today, I am waiting for you upstairs."

#40

The gentleman walked briskly into the drug store, strode over to the pharmacist and said, "I would like a box of Sex-Lax."
The pharmacist smiled and replied, "You must mean Ex-Lax."
"No," the man responded, "I don't have any trouble going."

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