Discussing :: Best Joke, Quote or Riddle

#21

After just two days of driving through Mexico, Steve was sick and tired of Mexicans. "They hate Americans," he told his wife, "and I swear the next one I see, I'm gonna make that son of a bitch suffer!"
As it happened, Steve's anger was such that he didn't look where he was going, and rear ended a brawny farmer in a pickup truck.
The Mexican came over and leaned in Steve's window. "Hey grreeennngo - why you heet my truck?"
"Because I can't stand you or any other Mexican grease balls!" Steve ranted. "In fact, if you're man enough, I'm gonna come out and kick the shit out of you!"
The Mexican motioned Steve out. "I make a deel weetch you," he said. "If you ween, you take my truck. If I ween, not only do I f**k your wife, but you weel hold my balls to keep them off the hot street."
The men agreed and fought.
Later, Steve was smiling as he and his wife drove off.
"I told you I'd make some Mexican suffer!" he gloated.
His wife looked at him. "What the hell are you talking about?"
Steve smiled. "Didn't you hear how he SCREAMED when I dropped his balls on the asphalt?"

#22

A man who had just moved out to the country decides to start a farm. He goes to one nearby and asks to buy a chicken. The farmer tells the man that they don't call them chickens there. "We say pullets."
Then the man selects a donkey. The farmer says, "We don't call them donkeys. Here we say, asses. And, by the way, if he ever stops on you, why just hit him a few times."
Then the man asks for one more animal. He asked for a rooster. The farmer says, "We also have a slang name for them. We call them cocks."
The man was walking home, down the road with his three new animals, when all of a sudden the donkey stops in the middle of the road. A woman is also walking down the street and he asks her if she will do a favour for him.
She says, "Sure, what do you need?"
The man replies, "Can you hold my cock and pullet... while I slap my ass?"

#23

A guy walks into an elevator and stands next to a beautiful woman. After a few minutes he turns to her and says, "Can I smell your pussy?"
The woman looks at him in disgust and says, "Certainly not!"
"Hmmm," he replies. "It must be your feet, then."

#24

A fifth grade teacher is told she must teach sex education to her class. She decides to use a math technique to teach the subject, and thinks flash cards will work well. The next day in class, she holds up the first flash card, a picture of breast, and asked "does anyone know what this is?" Little Suzie responds - "I know, I know! It's a picture of a breast and my mommy has two of them!" The teacher says "very good Suzie, you get a star for the exercise"
The teacher grabs the next card and holds it up. It's a picture of a penis. She asks "Does anyone know what this is?" and little Tommy says "I know I know!! It a penis and my daddy has two of them!!!"
The teacher says "well Tommy, It is a penis but your daddy can't have two of them."
Tommy says "sure he does, he's got a little one he pees out of and a great big one he brushes mommy's teeth with!"



On the subject of interns examining overweight women, the symptoms of pregnancy are often masked by obesity.
In attempting to do a vaginal/cervical exam on a very overweight woman, the intern could not make room to do his work. He finally enlisted the aid of two nurses who wrapped the woman's legs in sheets and pulled them apart. Still not having enough room, the intern pushed a chair between her legs and made his diagnosis:
"You're pregnant," he said. "But how you got that way without two sheets and a chair is beyond me."
The patient replied, "You know, you're not the first short-dicked man to tell me that."

#25

One day in the great state of Alabama a man walks outside and hears this strange noise coming from one of his trees. He proceeds to walk over to his tree and looks up in the tree to find the source of this noise. What he finds is a large gorilla moving around in the top of his tree trying to get comfortable.

The man stops and thinks to himself, "How on earth am i going to get this gorilla out of my tree? There aren't any gorilla catchers in Alabama are there?"

The man walks inside his house and gets his phone book and is looking in the animal control section and low and behold there actually is a gorilla catcher listed, so the man picks up the phone and calls the number. He reaches the gorilla catcher who says that he'll be there in ten minutes.

The gorilla catcher shows up in a big truck with a tool box in the back and a very large dog sitting on top of the tool box and a very large cage sitting in back of the tool box.

The gorilla catcher gets out of his truck and walks up to the man and shakes hands with him. The man then shows the gorilla catcher the tree and points up at the gorilla. After looking at the gorilla for a minute, the gorilla catcher walks back over to his truck and gets old Clyde off the tool box and gets out a gun and walks back over to the tree and sits the gun down next to old Clyde.

The gorilla catcher looks over at the man and says, "Here's the plan. I'm gonna climb this here tree and knock the gorilla out. When the gorilla hits the ground old Clyde here's gonna bite him in the nuts and hold on 'til I can get out of the tree and put the gorilla in the cage. Any questions?"

The man can't think of any so the gorilla catcher starts making his way up the tree. When the catcher gets almost halfway up the tree the man notices the shotgun next to old Clyde. He quickly calls up to the gorilla catcher and says, "Hey, what's the gun for?"

The gorilla catcher replies, "OH, that's in case the gorilla knocks me out of the tree, I want u to shoot old Clyde before i hit the ground."


:)

#26

Keeping warm

#27

Sorry pic above in wrong hole............ you'll know all about that WG? lol

Being a man definitely has its perks...
1. Your backside is never a factor in a job interview.
2. Your orgasms are real. Always.
3. Your last name stays put.
4. The garage is all yours.
5. Wedding plans take care of themselves.
6. You never feel compelled to stop a friend from having an elicit affair.
7. Car mechanics tell you the truth.
8. You don't give a hoot if no one notices your new haircut.
9. Hot wax never comes near your pubic area.
10. Same work .. more pay.
11. Wrinkles-add character.
12. You don't have to leave the room to make emergency crotch adjustments.
13. Wedding Dress $2000; Tux rental $100.
14. If you retain water, it's in a canteen.
15. People never glance at your chest when you're talking to them.
16. New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet.
17. One mood, ALL the time.
18. Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds.
19. A five-day vacation requires only 1 suitcase.
20. You can open all your own jars.
21.You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.
22. Your underwear is $10 for a three-pack.
23. If you are 34 and single, nobody notices.
24. You can quietly enjoy a car ride from the passenger's seat.
25. Three pairs of shoes are more than enough.
26. You can quietly watch a game with your buddy for hours without ever thinking "He must be mad at me."
27. No maxi-pads.
28. If another guy shows up at the party in the same outfit, you just might become lifelong friends.
29. You are not expected to know the names of more than five colors.
30. You don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt.
31. You are unable to see wrinkles in clothes.
32. The same hair style lasts for years, maybe decades.
33. Your belly usually hides your big hips.
34. One wallet and one pair of shoes, one color, all seasons.
35. You can "do" your nails with a pocket knife.
36. Christmas shopping can be done for 25 relatives, on December 24th, in 15 minutes.
37. The world is your urinal.

#28

A teenage guy sticks his head into a barber shop and asks, “How long before I can
get a haircut?” The barber looks around the shop and says, “About 2 hours.”
The guy leaves. A few days later the same guy sticks his head in the door and asks, ” How
long before I can get a haircut?” The barber looks around at the shop full
of customers and says, “About 3 hours.” The guy leaves.
A week later the same guy sticks his head in the shop and asks, “How long
before I can get a haircut?” The barber looks around the shop and says,
“About an hour and a half.” The guy leaves.
The barber who is intrigued by this time, looks over at a friend in the shop
and says, “Hey, Bill. Follow that guy and see where he goes.”
A little while later, Bill comes back into the shop, laughing hysterically.
The barber asks, “Bill, where did he go when he left here?”
Bill looks up, tears in his eyes and says, “Your house.”

#29

A three-year-old boy was examining his testicles whilst taking a bath.
"Mum," he asked, "are these my brains?"
"Not yet," she replied.


Q. What do you call it when someone farts in a gay bar?
A. A love call.

Q. How do you give a blind queer a thrill?
A. Leave the plunger in the toilet.

Q. How do lesbians handle their liquor?
A. By the ears. (Lick her)

Q. What do tight pants and a cheap motel have in common?
A. No ball room

Q. What is the difference between a Harley and a Hoover?
A. The position of the dirt bag.

Q. What do you see when the Pillsbury Dough Boy bends over?
A. Doughnuts.

Q. What do you get when you put 50 lesbians and 50 politicians in a room together?
A. 100 people who don't do dick.

Q. What do attorneys use for birth control?
A. Their personalities.

Q. What's the difference between a girlfriend and wife?
A. 45 lbs.

Q. Why does a dog lick its penis?
A. Because it can't make a fist.

Q. What do you call two lesbians with their period?
A. Finger painting.

Q. How do you teach a blond math?
A. Subtract her clothes, divide her legs, and square root her.

Q. What did the pedophile say when he got out of jail?
A. I feel like a kid again!

Q. What's the last thing Tickle Me Elmo receives before he leaves the factory?
A. Two test tickles

#30

Two friends were at a bar discussing life and love.
One said, "Would you believe that out of all the women I've been with not a one of them was a virgin? It'd be nice if girls saved themselves for marriage. I think it would cure a big part of the huge divorce crisis we have."
"Yeah, Jim, I hear you," said the other. "Out of all the women I've been with I've only had two virgins myself; my wife and yours."

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