Discussing :: Best Joke, Quote or Riddle

#11

A bunch of guys were sitting around the break room talking about sex and women of course and in comes Joe Schmo.
One guy says to the other guys, "Man I just don't understand it. That guy Joe is just an average ordinary looking guy who doesn't have a lot of money and he gets all the women he wants with the snap of his fingers."
"What the hell does he got that I haven't got?"
And this other guy who is an old timer and has been around awhile looks at the guy and says, "Son let me ask you a question. When you go to the bathroom and you get done whizzing, do you shake your penis with your hand to get off the excess urine?"
And the other guy is kind of puzzled but he says "Well yeah. Of course I do."
"But what does that have to do with Joe getting all the women?"
The old timer looks him in the eye and says "Well son, Ol' Joe over there when he gets done taking a piss, he doesn't shake it, He Kicks It!"

#12

Tom in deep thoughts is very quiet. Jerry asks, "What is wrong with you, Tom?"
"Please don't ask."
"I'm your best friend. You can talk to me."
"My seven year old son made my secretary pregnant."
"That's not possible."
"No, he did."
"How?"
"He punctured my condoms!"

#13

A guy goes inside the confessional and says, "Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned."
"What did you do, my son?" asked the priest.
"Yesterday, I was walking along the beach at night, and I decided to explore a cave near the shore. When turned on my flashlight, I witnessed two men having sex."
"Oh, so you were the jerk with the flashlight."

#14

On their way to a justice of the peace to get married, a couple had a fatal car accident.
The couple found themselves sitting outside Heaven’s Gate waiting on St. Peter to do an intake. While waiting, they wondered if they could possibly get married in Heaven.
St. Peter finally showed up and they asked him.
St. Peter said, “I don’t know, this is the first time anyone has asked. Let me go find out.” and he left.
The couple sat and waited for an answer…for a couple of months… and they began to wonder if they really should get married in Heaven, what with the eternal aspect of it all.
“What if it doesn’t work?” they wondered, “Are we stuck together forever?”
St. Peter returned after yet another month, looking somewhat bedraggled.
“Yes,” he informed the couple, “you can get married in Heaven.”
“Great,” said the couple, “but what if things don’t work out? Could we also get a divorce Heaven?”
St. Peter, red-faced, slammed his clipboard onto the ground.
“What’s wrong?”, asked the frightened couple.
“COME ON!” St. Peter shouted, “It took me three months to find a priest up here! Do you have any idea how long it will take me to find a lawyer?”

#15

A first-grade teacher was having trouble with one of her students.
Teacher: What is your problem?
Bog: I’m too smart for the first-grade. My sister is in third-grade and I’m smarter then she is. I think I should in the third-grade too.
The teacher took the boy to the Principal office. While the boy waiting in the outer office, the teacher explained to the principal what the situation was.
The principal told her that he would give the boy a test and if he failed to answer any of his questions he was to go back to the first-grade and behave.
She agreed.
The boy was brought in and the condition were explained to him and he agreed to take the test.
Principal: What is 3×3?
Boy:9
Principal: What is 6×6?
Boy:36
And so it went with every question the principal thought a third-grade should know. ”I think the boy can go to the third-grade”, said the principal.
The teacher said she had some of her own questions to ask.
The Principal and the boy agreed.
Teacher: What is that a cow has four and I have only two?
Boy: (after a moment) Legs.
Teacher: What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?
Boy: Pockets.
Teacher: What starts with a C and ends with a T, is hairy, oval, delicious and contains then whitish liquid?
Boy: Coconut.
Teacher: What goes in hard and pink then comes out soft and sticky?
The Principal’s eyes opened really wide and before he could stop the answer, the boy was already answering.
Boy: Bubblegum
Teacher: What does a man do standing up, a woman does sitting down and a dog dose on three legs?
The Principal’s eyes opened really wide and before he could stop the answer
Boy: Shake hands.
Teacher: Now I will ask some “Who am I” sort of questions, okay?
boy: Yep.
Teacher: You stick your poles inside me. you tie me down to get me up. I get wet before you do.
Bo: Tent
Teacher: A finger goes in me. You fiddle with me when you’re bored. The best man always has me first.
The principal was looking restless, a bit tense and took one large vodka peg…..
Boy: Wedding ring.
Teacher: I come in many sizes. When I’m not well, I drip. When you blow me, you feel good
Boy: nose
Teacher: I am a stiff shaft. My tip penetrates. I come with a Quiver.
Boy: Arrow
Teacher: What word starts with a ‘F’ and ends in ‘K’ that means lot of heat and excitement?
Boy: Firetruck
Teacher: What word starts with a ‘F’ and ends in ‘k’ and if you don’t get it you have to use your hand?
Boy: Fork.
Teacher: What is it that all men have one. It is longer for some men then for others. The pope doesn’t use his. Normally a man gives it to his wife after they’re married?
Boy: SURNAME
The Principal breathed a sigh of relief and said to the teacher, ”Send this boy to the University. I got the last then questions wrong myself!”

#16

A guy and a girl are lying in a dorm-room bed after just having sex. The girl lays on her side of the bed and rests.
The guy goes to his side of the bed and says to himself, "Man oh Man I finally did it! I'm no longer a virgin."
The girl overhears him talking to himself and asks, "Are you saying you lost your virginity to me?"
"Well," the guy explains, "I always wanted to wait until I was with the woman I love to lose my virginity."
Astounded, the girl replies, "So you really love me?"
"Oh God no!", the guy says. "I just got sick of waiting."

#17

Two car salesmen were sitting at the bar.
One complained to the other, "Boy, business sucks. If I don't sell more cars this month, I'm going to lose my fucking ass."
Too late he noticed a beautiful blonde, sitting two stools away. Immediately, he offered apologies for his use of bad language.
"That's okay," the blonde replied, "I have a very similar problem. If I don't sell more arse this month, I'm going to lose my fucking car."


Three friends took their wives on vacation for a week in Las Vegas and they all had a great time.
A few days after they returned home, the men were sitting around talking about their trip.
"I don't think I'm ever going to do that again!" says the first guy. "Since we've been back, my wife flings her arms and hollers '7 come 11' all night long. I haven't had a wink of sleep!"
"I hear ya, buddy," the second guy replies. "My wife played blackjack the whole time we were there. Since we've been back, she slaps the bed all night and hollers 'hit me light, hit me hard'. I haven't had a wink of sleep either!"
"You guys think you have it bad!" exclaims the third guy. "My wife played the slots the entire time we were there. Every morning I wake up with a sore dick and an arse full of quarters!"

#18

...I like these quotes

"No one can make you feel inferior without your consent." -Eleanor Roosevelt

"When you doubt your power, you give power to your doubt."

#19

A few minutes later the officer walks over to the man's table and says, "Listen and listen good. That is MY chicken you are about to eat and I'll warn you, whatever you do to that chicken I'll do the same to you. You pull out one of its legs; I'll pull out one of yours. You break one of its wings; I'll break one of your arms!"
The man calmly looks at the chicken, then sticks his middle finger in the bird's rectum, pulls it out and licks it.
He then gets up, drops his pants, bends over and says, "Your turn!!"


The Dad was driving his five year old son to school and then suddenly by mistake his hand hit the horn.
The boy started looking curiously at the Dad hearing the sound.
So the embarrassed Dad explained, "I am sorry son I just hit the Horn inadvertently."
The boy started giggling, "I know that Dad, because otherwise you would yell 'ASSHOLE' after honking."

#20

Barbara Walters was doing a documentary on the customs of a tribe in Africa. While touring a reservation during the documentary she was puzzled as to why the difference in the number of feathers in the headdresses.
So she asked a man who only had one feather in his headdress, his reply was: "Me only have one woman. One woman ... one feather."
Feeling the first fellow was only joking she asked another man.
This man had two feathers in his headdress and he replied, "Me have two women. Two women ... two feathers."
Still not convinced the feathers indicated the number of sexual partners involved, she decided to interview the Chief.
Now the Chief had a headdress full of feathers. Which, need less to say amused Ms.Walters. She asked the Chief, "Why do you have so many feathers in your headdress?"
The Chief proudly pounded his chest and said, "Me Chief, me fuck' em all. Big, small, fat and tall, me fuck`em all."
Horrified, Ms. Walters stated, "You ought to be hung."
The Chief said, "You damn right me hung. Big like buffalo, long like snake."
Ms. Walters cried, "You don`t have to be so hostile."
The Chief replied, "Hoss-style, dog-style, wolf-style, any style...me fuck' em all."
With tears in her eyes, Ms. Walters cried, "Oh dear."
The Chief said, "No deer. Ass too high, run too fast."

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