How To Keep The Romance In Your Relationship

Tonja Weimer

With a Masters in Human Development, Tonja is an columnist, coach, speaker and author. Her latest book 'Thriving After Divorce', offers insight on how to become a better person and getting through after a break up.

What if the romance fizzles?  What if the passion goes away?  Many people assume there is an inevitability of romance dying once they have been together for a while.  It may surprise you to know, however, that it doesn’t have to!  There are certain actions you can take to keep the love alive.  But, certain qualities have to be present in the object of your affection for the love to live on.  Before talking about how to keep the romance going, check the following list:

Signs that may bring up the red flags of danger, indicating that someone is not who they pretend to be, and therefore, are not truly available for a lasting relationship are:
    Stories about her past that conflict with what her friends tell you.
    Addictions that are starting to surface that you did not see before.
    Secrecy around her cell phone that she doesn’t want you to see or use.
    Calls at odd times that she steps out of the room to take.
    A lingering connection and attachment with her ex that seems more than a friendly relationship.
    Erratic unemployment, losing jobs easily, and believing “someone has it out for her.”
    Controlling behavior, not wanting you to keep in touch with your friends or family.
    Unexpected eruptions of anger or accusations, to the point of acting out.

If you are not seeing any signs of the above, and you are sure you both want a committed relationship, here are the secrets to keeping your romance alive:
Number One:  Adventure
Routine is the death of passion.  Spontaneous behavior fuels the romantic chemistry.  Though routine is often a comfort in a busy hurried workweek, just one new activity in the middle of the expected schedule will bring a burst of aliveness to the mix.  What would that look like? Certainly something you’ve never done—or, not done in a long time—kicks up the happiness chemicals.  It could be anything from a hot-air-balloon ride to a yoga class you take together.  Dancing lessons, bowling, or a surprise weekend away are a few ideas. Get creative.
If you choose a weekend in a hotel, if it’s in your hometown, prepare the room early with the romance props, such as candles, bubble bath, fresh fruit, chocolate, or flowers. Leave her a note telling her to bring an overnight bag and where to meet you. Several little adventures like this each year will keep you sparkin’.
Number Two: Boundaries
Keep good boundaries with friends and family members.  Kids, parents, best friends and others may have expectations of you from their personal history in your life.  However, there are times when it’s essential to put each other first.  If you do, you won’t fall into the trap of resenting others for pressuring either one of you to put their needs and wants first.  Put your romance first.  That is central to your happiness together.  Develop firm, kind boundaries with people, saying, “No,” when you have plans with your love.  That’s what will keep her bonded to you—knowing she is your priority.
Number Three:  Validation
Affirm your partner frequently with words, actions, and intimacy.  Remember what is wonderful about her and say it often.  This is not flattery; this is acknowledgement of all the things bright and true that she brings to your life.
Number Four:  Surprises
Just as adventure pumps up the volume of the passion hormones, so do thoughtful surprises.  What have you noticed that makes her heart sing?  What would it take for you to surprise her with it?  Staying within your budget is a sacred matter since ultimately that is how you best take care of her for the future.  But the present is always the best time to arrive—with a present.  The surprise element breaks up routine, which eliminates any boredom creeping into the relationship.
Do you truly, madly, deeply want to keep the romance going?  Nurture her with kindness and generosity, support her interests, remember boundaries with friends and family, and surprise her with adventures!  These are the batteries that will keep the romance going… and going… and going.

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  • Ashley says
    This is so true, the romance in my relationship with my partner has been slowly fading over the last few months and just having one date night (getting dressed up, going out for dinner, flowers) really re-ignited everything. Even if you can't afford to go all out and have a huge night, just suprising her or him with fish and chips on the wharf can be truly beautiful!!!!!
  • I like point 4 - good points and tips. I too feel the romance slipping away and realise I need to do something about it.
  • It's the little things that count. Gift wrapping her a new Maserati, whisking her off to Rome, you know....
  • Kris says
    it way too easy to get complacent at what you have and things just stay the same in all honesty if you something fresh and new.... then it has to come FROM YOU. Don't wait for your other half as it'll get you down when you could be acting. Do something as simple as leaving a love-note or message viz txt/e-mail anything small is a start. Maybe one random hug or kiss. If you want something done to you.... then do it to them.
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