Discussing :: When is the right time?

#1

Sara
When is the right time?

Ive been in a relationship with a man for 5 months. I met him ten years ago. We were friends then lovers and eventually got in a relationship. He has commitment issues because his ex cheated on him so I dont want to push him. I just want some kind of indication from him as to where he thinks our relationship might be headed or if he's serious or if he thinks theres potential. How can I find out from someone who doesn't like to talk about these things and rather expects me to know from what he shows?

#2

Jabes

i would personally say after 5 months could be a little hard to tell if he is that shy about the whole deal, but on the other hand after 5months you think would be a bit of an idea about what he wants, is he smart? maybe try fool it out of him by talking about a future thing - ie lets go to america end of next year or something like that
see if he balks or is into the idea

#3

Gavin

Just 'man up' and ask him if he sees this as potentialy going anywhere.
Make it clear you'r not asking for huge commitment right now, just an indication.

#4

EarlyRiser

I think women are smarter than men by always wanting to know where things are heading. Men (young men particularly) don't necessarily care about the future, as long as things are going well right now. There's a lot to be said for going with the flow. It's easier, and one can have faith that if it was meant to be then it would be. But blind faith rarely works. I guess we all have to grow up sometime. Some men wake up during a mid-life crisis, realising that things haven't worked out as well as they'd hoped, simply because they didn't wise up and apply some direction to their lives, but just let it slowly work its way into the toilet instead. I'm convinced men need women, just as much as women need men - we complete each other, by making up for each others weaknesses.

Anyway, back to you - I'd be honest (it is the best policy after all) and tell him that you have hopes for the future and need to be able to see that your life is heading in the right direction. You don't have to scare him off by planning out his future for him, but you can ensure that he, at least, has similar intentions to you. I would hate for any woman to be in a relationship for many years only to, one day, find out that her partner has discovered his destiny, and it's in a different direction to hers. He wouldn't see it as a waste of time, as he got what he wanted out of the relationship, which were the good times spent together (since he wasn't after anything more), but she would, since she probably had their future together all planned out.

With the cheating issue, tell him that his 'ex' is not you, and you are nothing like her. He needs to get that clear in his head, otherwise he will never fully trust you, and when things get tough, like during an argument, he may bring those feelings out and actually expect you to cheat on him, and, worse, treat you accordingly. All hurts and mistrusts like this need to be healed. That's what building a relationship is all about.

Also, the thing about men not talking about their emotions, it's normally because men don't understand them. Given enough negative emotions, and they may also decide that they don't want to know them. I think society has really let men down in this area. It teaches them how to make a buck, but how to form a relationship is something usually left to parents or religion. A woman who subtly helps a man to understand himself is a Godsend as far as I'm concerned, an angel even.

And the right time? It's when you're ready to sort it out - not him. Good luck!


JasonMantis

Yeah, I was gonna say all of that....

#5

Jabes

wow look at you getting all deep! On what you have said early riser i would recommend reading- Wild at heart pretty good has a bit of a religious bent (warning in case you are really anti that kinda thing) but its good about all that stuff you kinda mentioned.

#6

T

Most men (and I'm probably generalising here) don't tend to like talking about relationships and commitment. So rather than asking us directly and sealing our lips even tighter, just skip around related topics and try to put 2 and 2 together. What Jabes said in post #2 is quite true.

#7

shiny

Argh the dreaded ex thing....hope your not the first since the breakup, as that relationship tends to be the poly-filler for guys to mentally erase the previous serious relationship. If not, then tred cautiously depending on how far along he is with managing the 'ex thing'. You may find any residual hurt transfers into the new relationship if your 'friend' starts to feel pushed. Perhaps just take it slow and see if he's willing to plan things and check on the level of enthusiasm he has when talking about the 'planning' of any future events.

#8

Snick

Try to talk to him, but don't push too hard is what i'd recommend. maybe gradually encourage more discussion so it isn't too much to handle.

#9

DeeDee

I think you should just straight out ask him instead of making assumptions as to where the relationship is going it is better to ask now because you definitely want to no instead of letting the thought fester, which could make things worse in the long run...at least asking him at this point will be better than asking him say in like 10 months when your emotional attachment to him may be deeper if he doesn't see things the way you do now or for the future at least you will know without investing to much of yourself into the relationship when the same is not being returned from your partner....is better to know than keep yourself guessing....

#10

JasonMantis

I really favour the straight up approach. I'd do it after sex, when he's at his most vulnerable.


Onaphobia

This is good to know. I'm going to file this piece of information away in case I ever need it.

Which, frankly, seems unlikely at this point.


Jabes

Or just before as then he will be even more vulnerable/ keen to agree with anything you want haha


JasonMantis

Careful dude, don't give it all away...


Onaphobia

Hahaha - come over here Jabes and tell me all your secrets...

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