Discussing :: Male/Female friendships

#1

Marie
Male/Female friendships

Would like to hear some thoughts on Male/Female friendships. A lot of my best friends are men, I was a military girl many years ago and the friends made are friends for life, Male and Female. I am really struggling with Partners/Wives of some of these friends just not getting that we can be best friends. I would never sleep with these guys they are like brothers to me, I have 3 really close male mates, but the jealousy that stems from their other halves over the years and one particular guy who has not settled down is amazing. Is it really that much of a No No to have a bestie of the opposite sex, are we really that insecure within ourselves that we cannot trust our partners. I have had to pull back on the friendships and to be honest it bites! What are others thoughts .... do you let your partner/wife have a friend of the opposite sex?

#2

EarlyRiser

It's my experience that the family unit has become small and insular these days. Having open relationships, with lots of friends who come over regularly to visit, seems to be a thing of the past. So when a man and woman get together in a serious relationship, they seek (perhaps the woman more than the man) to separate themselves from others and work solely on their own relationship (as if it needs all their effort to keep it going). Again, it's just my experience and may not be what others experience, but all my female friends, once they've found their Mr. Right, they just didn't have much time for me anymore. Perhaps it's just the stress of life, and people just want to settle down as quickly as they can and get into the routine of married (or defacto) life.

Maybe single people are just meant to have single friends and married people are meant to have married friends. At least that way, if you're married, the man has a man friend, and the woman has a woman friend, and jelousy won't be an issue.

Being single, I hate it just as much as you do. We need a non-single person's perspective.

#3

Onaphobia

I've noticed it a lot too. When I talk to a guy often another woman will come up afterwards and point out that he's married. I go to a lot of networking events where the woman are literally physically attached to their partners for the entire night. It's really hard to introduce yourself and talk about possible projects when wives are possessively glued to their men. I've come to expect it, but I don't like it. I do have some male friends that their wives are fine with it, but generally I'm their friend too. It's just their insecurity. It can't be easy feeling like that all the time.

I had one possessive boyfriend who had asked me to marry him, and then I took a trip up to San Francisco with a Spanish amigo and when I got back to LA the boyfriend told me I was never allowed to take a trip with another man ever again. So I moved out then and there. And decided to travel with the same Spanish friend (now lover) around Mexico and the USA for a month. It was GRAND!!

#4

DeeDee

Those scenarios have been around for ever someone always gets worked up in those types of scenarios, usually a woman.....because a guy is a close friend with a girl they must be doing it.....what other reason can there be....is stupid and juvenile....but you can't help what people are going to think...it is just them and there own active imaginations, sad really they must not feel secure in their relationship if they can't accept the situation....

I have been in similar situations I have many guy friends from my Uni days and sporting background and we all get on well, but when they have new relationships the partners tend to get a bit ferral of how well we all get on....when I met my partner I was expecting him to have some reservations about a number of my guy friends but he has a great attitude of getting to know a person first before judging them....I suppose I am lucky in that regard

#5

JasonMantis

I've got a lot of female friends but I think it's the accepted norm that once you're in a relationship you forgo your friends of the opposite sex. I'm still in touch with my female mates on a regular basis, but I haven't been round to their places for dinner since getting into a relationship of my own. That's not to say that we don't still socialise, however, there seems to be an unspoken rule about this. Does it bother me? Not really, I still see them, it's just that any behaviour that might be misconstrued is held in check. I'll talk to the gf about this and will let you know if it's just me playing safe of if there are any expectations of me when it comes to other females....

#6

rachels

I'm married and for me personally I've had experiences in the past where I've had male friends who thought I was interested in them when all I wanted was to be friends. Even though I'm married now I think this put me off a little bit as I couldn't be bothered with awkward friendships! The only male friends I have are ones we hang out with in groups or as couples which is great. I still value having male friends, but I get so much from my husband I only feel the need to have close female friends.
This doesn't mean I stop my husband having female friends though. I think when you are in a trusting relationship there is no need for jealousy, however it should be each other that you are most close to and tell everything to. I think the danger is when you start talking about your partner and deep issues with a person of the opposite sex as that can create some strong bonds which can tear apart your intimacy with your spouse / partner. I only talk about my relationship with girlfriends, and usually girlfriends who are in relationships themselves as they are the most understanding and helpful :)
However I can see how it would be hard for you Marie when you were friends with them first. And there's nothing worse than an overly jealous partner - it's painful!

#7

JasonMantis

I hate to say this, but after a fair amount of soul searching I have to admit that I've wanted to bone almost all of my female friends at one time or another. Yes, even the ugly ones. I blame testosterone.


JasonMantis

That's not to say that the desire doesn't pass.... Not helping? Ok, I'll shut up...


Onaphobia

I think that was probably the case for me, too, ten years ago. I can't admit to that now. And not ONLY because most of my male friends are married. I think I have a wider array of friends now, and some of them just aren't that sexually attractive, so that's really helped. And some are too young, and some really too old. I think I'll stop digging this hole right here, actually...

#8

Zoe Victoria

I find that my friendships with guys tend to peeter off when the guys realize they aren't going to get any. It happens time and time again, I will become friends with a guy who clearly has a thing for me, I hope that they will get over it and that we can just be friends. Hence why we basicaly only have couple friends. I'm great friends with both the girls and guys out of our couple friends, but can't seem to be friends with single guys.


DeeDee

I found back in the day the best way to deal with guys I know think they are going to get some if they are chummy with me is to tell them straight of that nothing is going to happen, else if they are nice guys but I'm not interested I usually set them up with my girlfriends who like them and that I think would suit, guys usually get the jest if you tell them straight out instead of hanging out with them then the drama occurs, because over a period of time they will think the slightest signal you send them even if it is not THAT signal, most will think it is....gratefully my group of male friends especially the single ones like my straight up approach....

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