It's the spring of 1957 and Bobby goes to pick up his date, Peggy Sue. Bobby's a pretty hip guy with his own car and a ducktail hairdo. When he goes to the front door, Peggy Sue's father answers and invites him in.
"Peggy Sue's not ready yet, so why don't you have a seat?" he says.
"That's cool," says Bobby.
Peggy Sue's father asks Bobby what they are planning to do. Bobby replies politely that they will probably just go to the malt shop or to a drive-in movie.
Peggy Sue's father responds, "Why don't you kids go out and screw? I hear all of the kids are doing it."
Naturally this comes as quite a surprise to Bobby and he says, "Whaaaat?"
"Yeah," says Peggy Sue's father, "Peggy Sue really likes to screw; she'll screw all night if we let her!"
Bobby's eyes light up and he smiles from ear to ear. Immediately, he has revised the plans for the evening.
A few minutes later, Peggy Sue comes downstairs in her little poodle skirt with her saddle shoes and announces that she's ready to go.
Almost breathless with anticipation, Bobby escorts his date out the front door while Dad is saying, "Have a good evening, kids!"
About 20 minutes later, a thoroughly dishevelled Peggy Sue rushes back into the house, slams the door behind her and screams at her father: "Dammit, Daddy! The twist! It's called the twist!!"

Two men met at the pearly gates and were discussing what they died from. The first man told the other that he was out for his morning jog when suddenly he was struck down by a massive heart attack.
The other man said he died from seenus.
The first man said "Seenus, don't you mean sinus?"
To which the other replied, "No, seenus...I was having sex with some guys wife, and he seen us!"

A mother had 3 virgin daughters. They were all getting married within a short time period. Because Mom was a bit worried about how their sex life would get started, she made them all promise to send a postcard from the honeymoon with a few words on how marital sex felt.
The first girl sent a card from Hawaii two days after the wedding. The card said nothing but "Nescafe".
Mom was puzzled at first, but then went to the kitchen and got out the Nescafe jar. It said: "Good 'til the last drop. Mom blushed, but was pleased for her daughter.
The second girl sent the card from Vermont a week after the wedding, and the card read "Benson & Hedges".
Mom now knew to go straight to her husband's cigarettes, and she read from the Benson & Hedges pack: "Extra Long. King Size". She was again slightly embarrassed but still happy for her daughter.
The third girl left for her honeymoon in the Caribbean. Mom waited for a week, nothing. Another week went by and still nothing. Then after a whole month, a card finally arrived. Written on it with shaky handwriting were the words" "British Airways".
Mom took out her latest Harper's Bazaar magazine, flipped through the pages fearing the worst, and finally found the ad for the airline. The ad said: "Three times a day, seven days a week, both ways."
Mom fainted.

This guy has always dreamed of owning a Harley Davidson. One day he has finally saved enough money, so he goes down to the dealer. After he picks up the perfect bike, the dealer tells him about an old biker trick that will keep the chrome on his new bike free from rust.
The dealer tells him that all he has to do is to keep a jar of Vaseline handy and put it on the chrome before it rains and everything will be fine. He happily pays for the bike and leaves.
After a couple of months he meets a lady and she asks him to take her home to meet her parents over dinner. He readily accepts and the date is set. At the appointed time he picks her up on his Harley and they ride to her parents' house.
Before they go in, she tells him that they have a family tradition that whoever speaks first after dinner must do the dishes.
After a delicious dinner everyone sits in silence waiting for the first person to speak and get stuck doing the dishes. After a long 15 minutes the young man decides to speed things up, so he reaches over and kisses the girl in front of her family. No one says a word.
Emboldened, he throws her on the table and has sex with her in front of everyone. No one says a word. Now he is getting desperate, so he grabs her mother and throws her on the table. They have even wilder sex. No one says a word.
By now he is thinking of what to do next when he hears thunder in the distance. His first thought is to protect the chrome on his Harley, so he reaches into his pocket and pulls out his jar of Vaseline.
And the father shouts, 'Okay damn it, I'll do the dishes.'

Three men - an American, a Japanese and an Irishman were sitting naked in a sauna. Suddenly, there was a beeping sound. The American pressed his forearm and the beep stopped. The other men looked at him questioningly. That was my pager" the American said. "I have a microchip under the skin of my arm."
A few minutes later, a phone rang. The Japanese fellow lifted his palm to his ear. When he finished his conversation, he explained: "That was my mobile phone. I have a microchip in my hand."
The Irishman felt decidedly low tech, but was determined not to be outdone. He stepped out of the sauna and went to the bathroom. He returned with a long piece of toilet paper trailing from his backside. The others raised their eyebrows at him. The Irishman glanced around and said: "Bejesus! Wouldja look at dat!! I'm gettin' a fax!"

A middle aged woman is on the operating table for bypass surgery when she has a near-death experience. She is floating above the room and sees God. “Excuse me, God,” she says, “Is this the end?”
“Oh no, my dear,” says God. “You have another forty years to live.”
When she recovers, she decides to remain in the hospital for a complete makeover, knowing she’s going to be around for another forty years. She gets a face-lift, liposuction, tummy tuck, new hairline, etc.
Leaving the hospital, she steps off the curb to cross to the parking lot and is immediately hit and killed by a speeding ambulance.
She arrives in front of God and is a bit upset. “You told me I had another forty years to live and now I’m dead! What’s the big idea?”
“Sorry, my mistake … I didn’t recognise you.”

Two gay men decide to have a baby. They mix their sperm together, and then have a surrogate mother artificially inseminated. When the baby is born, they rush to the hospital.
A dozen babies are in the ward, eleven of whom are crying and screaming. Over in the corner, one baby is smiling serenely.
A nurse comes by, and to the delight of the two gays she points out the happy child as theirs. "Isn't it wonderful?" one gay says to the other. "All these unhappy babies... and yet our baby is so happy. This just proves our love for one another."
The nurse says, "Oh sure, he's happy now. But just watch what happens when we pull the pacifier out of his ass."

This married couple was on holiday in Pakistan. They were touring around the marketplace looking at the goods and such, when they passed this small sandal shop. From inside they heard a gentleman with a Pakistani accent say, "You, foreigners! Come in. Come into my humble shop." So the married couple walked in.
The Pakistani man said to them, "I have some special sandals I think you'd be interested in. They make you wild at sex like a great desert camel."
Well, the wife was really interested in buying the sandals after what the man had claimed, but her husband felt he really didn't need them, being the sex god he was.
The husband asked the man, "How could sandals make you into a sex freak?" The Pakistani man replied, "Just try them on."
Well, the husband, after much badgering from his wife, finally conceded to try them on. As soon as he slipped them onto his feet, he got this wild look in his eyes; something his wife hadn't seen in many years--- raw sexual power. In a blink of an eye, the husband rushed the Pakistani man, threw him on a table and started tearing at the guy's pants. All the time the Pakistani man was screaming, "YOU HAVE THEM ON THE WRONG FEET!"

After a heart-transplant operation, the patient was receiving instructions from his doctor. He was placed on a strict diet, denied tobacco and advised to get at least eight hours sleep a night.
Finally, the patient asked, "What about my sex life, Doc? Will it be all right for me to have intercourse?"
"Just with your wife," responded the doctor, "We don't want you to get too excited."

A lonely spinster, aged 70, decided that it was time to get married. She put an ad in the local paper that read: "HUSBAND WANTED, MUST BE IN MY AGE GROUP (70's), MUST NOT BEAT ME, MUST NOT RUN AROUND ON ME AND MUST STILL BE GOOD IN BED! ALL APPLICANTS PLEASE APPLY IN PERSON."
On the second day she heard the doorbell. Much to her dismay, she opened the door to see a gray-haired gentleman sitting in a wheel chair. He had no arms or legs. The woman said, "You're not really asking me to consider you, are you? Just look at you....you have no legs!"
The old man smiled, "Therefore I cannot run around on you!"
She snorted "You don't have any hands either!"
Again the old man smiled, "Nor can I beat you!"
She raised an eyebrow and gazed intently. "Are you still good in bed?" With that the old gentleman beamed a broad smile and said, "I rang the doorbell, didn't I?"