One day a group of boys went to the cutest girl in school and declared that a girl could never climb a pole as well as a boy. The girl was furious at their claim and proceeded to climb the pole all the way to the top.
When the girl went home she told her mom about the guys. Her mother told her, "Honey, they just want to look at your underwear."
"I'll get them back for this," the girl thought. The next day the same guys asked her to climb the pole again, claiming that she hadn't climbed it very fast the last time, and that any boy could climb faster.
She climbed that pole again and knew she had showed them since they simply stood there silently this time.
She went home with a big grin on her face and told her mom that they challenged her to climb the pole again. "What did I tell you! They just want to look at your underwear!" her mom exclaimed.
"I fooled them, Mom! I didn't wear any!"

The drinker announced to the bartender, "It seems I've been informally named advisor on 'Sexual Matters' at my company."
"That sounds interesting. Does this mean you'll be counseling the big bosses on relations with their secretaries?"
"I'm not sure yet," he answered. "During a staff meeting, I popped up to suggest a reduction in executive expense accounts and it was after that I was told if they ever wanted my fucking advice, they'd let me know."

Sambo was fixing a door and he found that he needed a new hinge, so he sent Mary Louise to the hardware store. At the hardware store Mary Louise saw a beautiful teapot on a top shelf as she was waiting for Joe Bob to finish waiting on a customer.
When Joe Bob was finished, Mary Louise asked how much for the teapot?
Joe Bob replied "That's silver and it costs $100!"
"My goodness, that sure is a lotta money!" Mary Louise exclaimed.
She then proceeded to describe the hinge that Bubba had sent her to buy, and Joe Bob went to the back room to find a hinge. From the back room, Joe Bob yelled, "Mary Louise, you wanna screw for that hinge?"
To which Mary Louise replied "No, but I will for the teapot."

Dave rents an apartment in New York, and goes to the lobby to put his name on the group mailbox. While there, a very attractive young lady comes out of the apartment next to the mailboxes wearing a robe.
Dave smiles at the young woman and she strikes up a conversation with him. As they talk, her robe slips open, and it's quite obvious that she has nothing on under the robe. Poor Dave breaks out into a sweat trying to maintain eye contact. After a few minutes, she places her hand on his arm and says, "Let's go in my apartment, I hear someone coming..."
He proceeds with her into the apartment, and after she closes the door, she leans against it allowing her robe to fall off.
Now completely nude, she purrs at him, "What would you say is my best feature?"
The flustered and embarrassed Dave stammers, clears his throat several times, and finally squeaks out, "Oh, its got to be your ears!"
Astounded, she replies, "My ears? Why my ears? Look at these breasts! They are full, don't sag, and they're 100% natural! My buns - they are firm and don't sag, and have no cellulite! Look at this skin, no blemishes, or scars! Why in heaven's name would you say my ears are the best part of my body?!"
Clearing his throat once again, Dave stammers, "Outside when you said you heard someone coming? . . . That was me."

A circus owner runs an ad for a lion tamer and two young people show up. One is a good looking lad in his mid-twenties and the other is a gorgeous blonde about the same age.
The circus owner tells them, "I'm not going to sugar coat it -- this is one ferocious lion. He ate my last tamer so you guys better be good or you're history. Here's your equipment: chair, whip and a gun. Who wants to try out first?"
The girl says, "I'll go first."
She walks past the chair, the whip and the gun and steps right into the lion's cage. The lion starts to snarl and pant and begins to charge at her. About half way there, she throws open her coat revealing her beautiful naked body.
The lion stops dead in his tracks, sheepishly crawls up to her and starts licking her ankles. He continues to lick her calves, kisses them and rests his head at her feet.
The circus owner's mouth is on the floor. He says, "I've never seen a display like that in my life." He then turns to the young man and asks, "Can you top that?"
The young man replies. "No problem, just get that lion out of the way."

A blonde goes into a world wide message center to send a message to her mother in Poland. The man tells her it will be $300.
She exclaims, "I don't have any money, but I would do ANYTHING to get a message to my mother!!!"
To that the man asks, "Anything??"
And the blonde says, "Yes, anything!!"
He walks into the next room and tells her, "Come in and close the door."
She does.
He then says, "Get on your knees."
She does.
He then says, "Take down my zipper."
She does.
He then says, "Go ahead, take it out."
With that she takes it out and takes hold of it with both hands.
The man then says, "Well, go ahead!"
She brings her mouth closer to it, and while holding it close to her lips, she says, "Hello...Mom?"

A man, new in town, goes to the best brothel in the city. Choosing the best looking girl in the place, he retires to a large and well-appointed suite, where he has some of the best sex of his life. Satiated, the man asks the madam, "How much do I owe you?"
The madam motions for him to put away his money. She then pulls two hundred dollars out of a purse and gives it to him. She fends off all his attempts for an explanation.
Naturally, the man returns the following evening. He gets the same treatment, and is again given two hundred dollars.
The third night he does the same thing, but when he sees the madam she asks him for three hundred dollars.
"Wait a minute," he says. "The first night you gave me two hundred dollars. The second night you gave two hundred dollars. Now you want me to pay you three hundred? Why?"
The madam smiles and says, "Tonight you weren't being filmed."

A young couple, married just a couple weeks, returns from their honeymoon to face the beginning of their new lives. The next morning the husband wakes up, showers, dresses and makes his way to the kitchen where he sees his new wife crying.
So the husband inquires, "What's wrong Honey?"
"Well, I came down here this morning to surprise you with a big breakfast but I can't cook or clean."
The husband smiles his biggest smile and says, "There, there sweetie! I don't care that you can't cook and clean. Come on up to the bedroom and I'll show you what I'd like for breakfast."
So, off they went to the bedroom.
That afternoon, the husband comes home for lunch to find his new wife crying again in the kitchen.
"What's wrong now, Sweetie?"
"Well, the same thing as this morning. I came in here to make you something for lunch and I just can't cook."
Again, the husband smiles and says, "Why don't you come back up to the bedroom and I'll have my lunch there!"
So, off they went to the bedroom again.
That evening the new husband comes home, walks in the house and sees his new bride sliding down the banister of the stairs naked. Up she runs, and WHOOSH down the banister, again.
After the third trip the husband asks, "What the heck are you doing honey?"
To which the new bride replies, "Warming up your supper!"

A man went to his mate's Fancy Dress Party with nothing but a naked girl on his back.
"So what the hell are you supposed to be?" the host asked.
"I'm a snail," the man replied.
"What a load of crap!" the host spat. "How can you be a snail when all you've got is that naked girl on your back?"
"That's not a naked girl, mate," the bloke replied, "that's Michelle."

A guy has been asking the prettiest girl in town for a date and finally she agrees to go out with him.
He takes her to a nice restaurant, buys her a fancy dinner with expensive wine and on the way home he pulls over to the side of the road in a secluded spot.
They start necking and he's getting pretty excited.
He starts to reach under her skirt and she stops him, saying she's a virgin and wants to stay that way.
"Well, OK," he says, "how a bout a hand job?"
"I've never done that," she says. "What do I have to do?"
"Well," he answers, "remember when you were a kid and you used to shake up a Coke bottle and spray your brother with it?"
She nods.
"Well, it's just like that."
So he pulls it out and she grabs hold of it and starts shaking it.
A few seconds later, his head flops back on the headrest, his eyes close, snot starts to run out of his nose, wax blows out of his ear and he screams out in pain.
"What's wrong?!" she cries out.
"TAKE YOUR THUMB OFF OF THE END!"