A clip from "The Tonight Show" outtakes (censored) shows Johnny Carson introducing sex symbol actress Raquel Welch in the mid-70's. She was appearing to promote a new film.
When Johnny introduced her, she came on stage dressed in her usual provocative fashion... but was also carrying a rather large house cat. Judging by Johnny's look, the cat wasn't part of the rehearsal.
After much audience jubilance, Raquel took her seat next to Johnny with her cat resting on her lap. The first words out of her grinning mouth were, "Johnny, would you like to pet my pussy?"
Without missing a beat, Johnny replied, "I'd love to, but your cat's in the way."

A husband and wife were in the bathroom getting ready for work when the husband looked at his wife and said, "I gotta have you!"
He backed her up against the bathroom door, pulled down her panties and ravaged her. He knew he was doing great because she screamed and wiggled more than she ever had before. When he finished, he started putting his clothes back on, when he noticed his wife still writhing against the door.
He said, "That was the best, honey. You've never moved like that before, you didn't hurt yourself did you?"
His wife said, "No, no. I'll be OK once I can get the doorknob out of my ass."

An old retired sailor puts on his old uniform and goes down to the docks once more for old time's sake. He hires a prostitute and takes her up to a room. He's going at it as best as he can for a guy his age.
The old sailor asks, "How am I doing?"
The prostitute replies, "Well, sailor, you're doing about three knots." "Three knots?"
He replies, "What's that supposed to mean?" She says, "You're knot hard, you're knot in, and you're knot getting your money back!"

A blonde, redhead, and brunette were looking at a dictionary for the hardest words they knew.
The brunette's word was quizzical.
The redhead's word was photosynthesis.
The blonde's word was dick.

There was a little boy who lived with his grandpa. Every day after school the grandpa would take his grandson to the store and he would buy himself a beer and the boy would buy a scratch ticket.
One day the boy asked his grandpa if he could have a drink of his beer, the grandpa said "Does your pecker reach your asshole?" The little boy said "No". Then the Grandpa said, "Well then you still have to grow".
The next day the little boy asked his grandpa if he could drive, the grandpa said "Does your pecker reach your asshole?". The little boy said "No". And the grandpa said, "Then you still have to grow".
Then one day they were walking out of the store and the little boy had bought a scratch ticket and he starts yelling, "I won ten thousand dollars! I won ten thousand dollars!" The grandpa said, "You're gonna share with your favorite grandpa aren't you?" The little boy said, "Does your pecker reach your asshole?". The grandpa said, "As a matter of fact it does".
Then the little boy said "Good, go screw yourself!"

Tired of a listless sex life, the man came right out and asked his wife during a recent lovemaking session, "How come you never tell me when you have an orgasm?"
She glanced at him casually and replied, "You're never home!"

Two men were talking. "So, how's your sex life?"
"Oh, nothing special. I'm having Social Security sex."
"Social Security sex?"
"Yeah, you know: I get a little each month, but not enough to live on!"

A man wearing a dirty raincoat sidled up to a businessman on the street corner and asked, "Got any pictures of your wife naked?"
"Certainly not!" huffed the businessman.
The other man inquired, "Wanna buy some?"

A Florida couple, both in their 80s, go to a sex therapist's office. The doctor asks,"What can I do for you?"
The man says, "Will you watch us have sexual intercourse?"
The doctor raises both eyebrows, but he is so amazed that such an elderly couple is asking for sexual advice that he agrees.When the couple finishes, the doctor says, "There's absolutely nothing wrong with the way you have intercourse."
He thanks them for coming, he wishes them good luck, he charges them $50 and he says good-bye.
The next week, however, the couple returns and asks the sex therapist to watch again. The sex therapist is a bit puzzled, but agrees.
This happens several weeks in a row. The couple makes an appointment, has intercourse with no problems, pays the doctor, then leave.
Finally, after seven or eight weeks of this, the doctor says, "I'm sorry, but I have to ask. Just what are you trying to find out?"
The old man says, "We're not trying to find out anything. She's married and we can't go to her house. I'm married and we can't go to my house. The Holiday Inn charges $98. The Hilton charges $139. We do it here for $50, and I get $43 back from Medicare!"

A man named Vinny dies and goes to hell.
The Devil says to him "Hey Vinny we've been waitin for ya!".
Vinny smiles and walks with the Devil and the Devil says "I gotta ask you a couple questions, do you like to smoke?" Vinny answers "Ya, I love to smoke." The Devil says "Good you'll like Mondays we smoke everything cigarettes, cigars, weed everything."
"Now do you like to drink?" Then Vinny says "Of course I love to drink." The Devil replies "Great we drink everything on Tuesdays you will fit in great."
"Do you like to have sex?" Vinny says "Hell ya sex is the best." The Devil smiles and replies "We have sex with every type of woman you could think of on Wedesdays."
And the Devil finally says "Now, are you gay?" Vinny frowns and answers "NO I'm not gay! And the Devil looks down and finishes "Your gonna hate Thursdays."