A husband and wife and their two sons are watching TV. She looks at her husband and winks at him, he gets the message and says, "Excuse us for a few minutes boys, we're going up to our room for a little while."
Pretty soon one of the boys becomes curious, goes upstairs and sees the door to his parents bedroom is ajar. He peeks in for a few minutes, trots downstairs, gets his little brother and takes him up to peek into the bedroom.
"Before you look in there," he says, "keep in mind this is the same woman who smacked our asses just for sucking our thumbs."

After forty years of marriage, Frankenstein and the Bride of Frankenstein came to a stand still in their love life. Each night Frankenstein would come home from work, eat his dinner, and sit in front of the television set until he fell asleep.
Dissatisfied with this arrangement, the Bride decided to see a therapist.
"He's never in the mood," complained the Bride.
"Try a romantic candlelight dinner," suggested the therapist.
The next day, the Bride returned to the therapist with a frown on her face. "He's still not in the mood," she complained.
"This time," the therapist recommended, "Try something more seductive. Put on some sexy lingerie and lure him into the bedroom."
But the Bride returned to the therapist the following day complaining that her monster of a husband was still not in the mood.
As a final piece of advice, the therapist said, "You should try to recreate the moment that first sparked your romance."
The next day the Bride returned with a huge grin on her face. "Thank you so much," she said to the therapist. "Last night, I forced Frankenstein to come outside in the middle of the lightening storm. And right there, in our backyard, he made love to me like it was our very first time."
"Making love in a lightening storm put him in the mood?" asked the therapist.
"Well," said the Bride of Frankenstein, "I tied a kite to his manhood."

A man went to a doctor. "I have three balls", he said, "and I don't like that very much."
As he sounded very depressed, the doctor decided to cheer him up. "Three balls is wonderful", he said, "women go wild on men with three balls."
"Are you sure?" the man asked.
"Absolutely sure," the doctor said.
The man left and went home by bus. Considering his doctor's words he feels better and better. He even can't keep his joy to himself. So he says to this great black man next to him: "You know, together we have five balls!"
The big man looks at him and says: "Really? You've only got one?"

This couple have just met in a bar, really hit it off and gone back to her place to have wild, passionate sex.
After they have finished he lies back with a smug look on his face, "I guess that was just about the best sex you have ever had," he says.
"What makes you say that?" asks the woman.
"Well, every time we did it, I couldn't help notice how it made your toes curl," he explains.
"Oh," says the woman, "that was just because most men wait to take off my pantyhose first."

A ninety year old man lived in a rest home and got a weekend pass. He stopped in his favorite bar and sat at the end and ordered a drink.
He noticed a seventy year old woman at the other end of the bar and he told the bartender to buy the lovely young lady a drink. As evening progressed, the old man joined the lady and they went to her apartment, where they got it on. Four days later, the old man noticed that he was developing a drip, and he headed for the rest home doctor. After careful examination the doctor asked the old man if he had engaged in sex recently.
The old man said, "Sure!"
The doctor asked if he could remember who the woman was and where she lived.
"Sure, why?"
"Well you'd better get over there, you're about to cum!"

A woman bought a mirror from an antiques store near her home. She placed it on the bath room door.
One day when she got out the shower she decided to have a laugh.
She says to the mirror: "Mirror mirror on my door make my bust-line 44" there was a great flash of light and when she looked her breasts they were size 44.
She ran down the stairs excitedly to tell her husband.
Then her husband ran up the stairs crossed his fingers and said to the mirror: "Mirror mirror on my door make my penis touch the floor" well again was the flash of light and his legs dropped off.

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A guy was spending the night with a married couple in their apartment. Since they didn't have a couch, they let him share their bed with them.
Once they all went to bed and the husband fell asleep, the wife whispered in the guy's ear, "Pull a hair from my husband's ass; if he is asleep we can have sex."
The guy pulled a hair from the husband's ass, and he didn't wake up, so the guy proceeded to make it with the wife. Not satisfied, the wife told him to do it a second, then a third time, which he happily did.
Finally, the husband rolled over and said wearily, "It's bad enough that you're screwing my wife in the same bed as me, but do you have to use my ass as a scoreboard?"

The waitress was tired of this one man always hitting on her, so she came up with a plan.
"I'll tell you what, Lover. I'll have sex with you on two conditions. First, it'll cost you 50 bucks. Second, you have to guarantee me that bells will ring and lights will flash."
He smiled, handed her $50 and led her over to the pinball machine.

A married couple have been stranded on a deserted island for many years. One day another man washes up on shore. He and the wife become attracted to each other right away, but realize they must be creative if they are to engage in any hanky-panky.
The husband, however, is very glad to see the second man there. "Now we will be able to have three people doing eight hour shifts in the watchtower, rather than two people doing 12-hour shifts."
The newcomer is only too happy to help and in fact volunteers to do the first shift. He climbs up the tower to stand watch.
Soon the couple on the ground is placing stones in a circle to make a fire to cook supper. The second man yells down, "Hey, no screwing!"
They yell back, "We're not screwing!" A few minutes later they start to put driftwood into the stone circle. Again the second man yells down, "Hey, no screwing!"
Again they yell back, "We're not screwing!" Later they are putting palm leaves on the roof of their shack to patch leaks. Once again the second man yells down, "Hey, I said no screwing!"
They yell back, "We're not screwing!" Eventually the shift is over and the second man climbs down from the tower to be replaced by the husband. He's not even halfway up before the wife and her new friend are hard at it.
The husband looks out from the tower and says, "Son-of-a-gun. From up here it DOES look like they're screwing."