Threesomes, we’ve all heard about them and they’re a common male fantasy, but are they three times the fun or three times the trouble? Just what do they involve and are people actually doing them?

The basics

A threesome is ‘a form of group sex involving three people of any gender combination’ - and that form really does vary. Some threesomes have a participant in the ‘voyeur role’ – i.e. the invited member could be there to enhance a couples sexual experience or to act out a sexual fantasy, like a guy wanting to watch his partner have sex with another man or woman. Whereas other threesomes will involve all members having sex with each other in a kind of 'mini-orgy'.

Are people actually doing them?

The answer is yes, in 2004 ABC News surveyed 1,500 Americans aged 18 and above and discovered that 14% of adults (and twice as many single men) have had sex in a threesome, while an additional 21% have fantasized about it. You only have to check out the topic on the Sexgear Forum to see that people here in New Zealand are doing it too.

So how do you do it?

Some people will discuss and try threesomes with their friends, some people advertise for partners, and others go to swingers' clubs and parties to meet people with an interest in it too. When it comes to the sex, there’s no instruction manual for proceedings, just use your imagination and make sure all those involved are having a good time.

Rules of engagement

It’s a good idea to set some basic rules if you are considering organising or participating in a threesome. These rules will help you avoid some common mistakes that could land you in an undesirable sexual situation and help you get the most out of your ménage à trois. All those involved will have different limits and comfort levels so understanding and respecting these should be a top priority.

Rules may also be set around alcohol, drunken sex tends to be bad sex so you may want to limit alcohol intake to a drink or two to help loosen up. Sleeping arrangements should be agreed upon before hand, if you are in a relationship the third person sleeping over may be a recipe for disaster. But above all, don't forget about safe sex. Use protection and be careful if you decide to participate in a threesome with people you don't really know – it’s not worth taking risks with your personal safety.

Threesomes with a partner

It’s a bad idea to try and force an unwilling partner into a threesome, and even if both you and your partner are open to trying this experience it’s important to understand that threesomes can open a can of worms that, once opened, can destroy your relationship. Emotions like inadequacy, jealously and bitterness can emerge and cause un-repairable damage. After a threesome, try to minimise those kinds of feelings be reassuring to your partner. Let her know that while you had fun it was only pleasure and experimentation and that there's no one for you but her. That way you may well have more threesome adventures in the future.

Whether you’re in a relationship, are invited into a threesome with a couple or hook up with a couple of friends, it important to go into a threesome with your eyes open. Realising that they are more to do with the experience or lust than a loving relationship should help you avoid any potential disappointment.

Take Care, Sarah Gibson at www.sexgear.co.nz

P.S. If there’s anything about sex that you’d like to ask, or a discussion you’d like to start just email me info@sg.co.nz and I’ll do my best to write about it for you here at getfrank.co.nz