Is She Walking Out On You?

Tonja Weimer

With a Masters in Human Development, Tonja is an columnist, coach, speaker and author. Her latest book 'Thriving After Divorce', offers insight on how to become a better person and getting through after a break up.

“…I just broke up with someone, and the last thing she said to me was, ‘You’ll never find anybody like me again.’  And I was thinking: I sure hope not.”    Larry Miller, Comedian

walk away

How could she do that?  How could she walk away from you?  Haven’t you done everything you can to take care of her and put up with her?  This girl has some nerve!
Actually, a breakup is usually a mutual decision.  It’s just that one person may not see it that way.  But if you look closely…BOTH people are miserable.  So, when your girl walks out, what can you do?
In order to make sure the breakup is final, definitely seek counseling.  You don’t want a back and forth situation going on in your life where sometimes she pops in and stays for a while, and then she leaves again.  Sometimes, a relationship can be saved when both people have a mediator.  If it can’t be saved, at least you will have some kind of finality and understanding of what went wrong.
Second of all, if it is clear that she is never coming back, you need to shift your perception.  You might be able to move from the break up being ugly to having it become something that taught you a lot.  If you have suffered, make the suffering count for something.  Also—what you don’t learn, you are doomed to repeat.  You don’t want to be in this place again, so learn all you can.
When couples are committed to each other in their attitude and as a fact, their relationship has a strong chance of surviving.  But when two people are committed in fact (engaged or married) but not in attitude, (one or both of them wish they could get out of it) their future together looks poor. 
Here are some questions you can ask yourself now, and then look to see if you had any of the following.  Why do people break up?  What happens to them?  You may recognize some of these traits:
Addicted to substances or destructive behaviors
When one person in the relationship has an addiction, that addiction is their first priority.  People break up because of addiction to substances, and also because of gambling, lying, cheating, violent outbursts, and infidelity.  In all of these cases, there has to be intervention and treatment for any relationship to survive.  Both parties need counseling.  If the person with these habits won’t get help, get counseling for yourself so you can understand why you are attracted to this type of individual.
Being equals
If one person is a hard worker, and the other one is lazy; if one person has worked hard for a career and the other one has never done a day’s work, this is not an equal relationship.  One person needs the other one to take care of them.  If you do not have your own life that you are proud of, you may be trying to get your needs fulfilled by living vicariously through someone else.  Eventually, the other person feels drained from propping you up.  Romantic relationships endure when they are between equals.  If she is leaving you, get a life first, before you get another girlfriend.
The big compromise

Did you think you couldn’t find anyone better, so you settled for someone who was just there?  One of the ways you will know you have settled for less than what you want is when you are more attracted to other women than the one you are with. 
Fear of Loneliness

Some people cannot stand to be alone.  They can’t sleep in the dark, they can’t be in a room alone, and they definitely cannot be without a girlfriend.   Do you work hard at carefully hiding your terror of being alone?  Do you think that if you found someone, all your worries would be over?  Unfortunately, they would just be beginning.  You would still have your own insecurities to deal with, while adding those of another person.
What really matters to you
Everyone has certain requirements that have to be met.  If one person values trust and honesty, and the other one has been caught lying, their prognosis as a happy, healthy couple is not good. 
Why is she walking out on you?  If you have any of the above behaviors or qualities, she will want to leave.   
The real work here, however, is for you to not walk out on yourself.   If she doesn’t want to be there, neither do you.  You have better things to do.  It’s time for you to laugh again and shine in the life you make for yourself.  When you do that, you will discover—someone wonderful is waiting for you.

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  • erin says
    Hmm when I broke up with my ex I couldnt wait to get out the door. Never went back although he started stalking me as he was still in love. 11 years later all good and never lived in the same town as him.

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