Are You In Love With A Serial Cheater Part 1

Tonja Weimer

With a Masters in Human Development, Tonja is an columnist, coach, speaker and author. Her latest book 'Thriving After Divorce', offers insight on how to become a better person and getting through after a break up.

One of my clients met someone he instantly liked.  After two dates, he was electrified.  The chemistry was so intense he couldn’t see the cheating signs written on her forehead.  Blinded by her charisma, he didn’t recognize that he was just one guy in a long succession of guys.  When he discovered she was cheating on him with several other men she thought she loved too, he lamented, “All women cheat.  I have never met one who didn’t.”
 

If you are a person who attracts unfaithful women, it will help if you begin to notice the patterns of behavior you both have BEFORE you get involved.  She can’t operate alone.  You are her accomplice.  This statement is not meant to place blame, but rather, to help you understand that you don’t have to keep being a target… and that you do have control over your life.
 
    Dressed for success—in attracting the wrong girl.
If you go out with your friends looking to attract a girl by the way you are dressed and the car you drive and talk about how much money you make, this talk will get you what you say you don’t want—a user and potential cheater.
 
    She notices you.
She may be standing with a friend or talking to other guys, but she picks you out of a crowd.  Serial cheaters have an instinct for those she can make a move on.  She winks and smiles and flirts.  She makes you feel special.  Before you know it you are spending the evening talking, dancing, probably drinking, and being romanced.  She tells you how handsome you are, wants you to spend the night, and calls you several times a day.  She is relentlessly persistent.
 
    She rushes the relationship.
The odds are, she has a ritual of behavior that she repeats over and over.  If she says right away, “I love you and I have never felt this way in my life,” believe me, she has said this before.  If she talks about getting married, where you might buy a house and live, and how she has always wanted children, this is too fast.  She is looking to tie you up emotionally.  If she bakes you cookies, waits for you in a bubble bath at night, and purrs in your ear, you will find it hard to send her away when you find out she’s cheating.  She knows this.
 
    You are vulnerable.
You may have just come out of a crisis in your life.  The death of someone close to you, going through a divorce, or being dumped by your former girlfriend can leave you feeling wobbly.  You are even more susceptible to a cheater or a dishonest woman if you have come from an abusive home or relationship. If you are lacking the family support you need, she will play to your vulnerability.  Her approach is to get you to open up emotionally and share your problems.  She offers understanding, warmth, and a comforting feeling that she wants to take care of you.  Of course, this shoulder to lean on comes at a price.
 
    Trying to be a grownup in a scary world.
You may pretend to the world that you have it all under control, but the fact is, you probably do not have enough of a support team around you.  When the serial charmer comes along, you want to BELIEVE her.  You don’t want to see the lies and the patterns.  You invest what time you have left at the end of the day into trying to make a relationship work that is never going anywhere.
 
/img/placeholder.gif?aHR0cDovL2k1OTYucGhvdG9idWNrZXQuY29tL2FsYnVtcy90dDQ1L2dldGZyYW5rLzA1MTAxMC9DaGVhdGluZ0NvdXBsZTEuanBn    You are outraged.
You find out, sooner or later, that she has lied and deceived you.  You might see her out with someone else, read her email you weren’t supposed to see, listen to her phone messages, or get a call from her other boyfriend.  You are hurt, she begs forgiveness, and she offers promises she just can’t keep.  She showers you with affection, apologies, and excuses and even puts some of the blame for her behavior on you.  And then you start the process again.  This cycle goes on until months…or years…later, you’ve had enough.
 
If you recognize this pattern, there is hope.  Old habits can be broken and you can have happiness instead of drama.  Would you like to know how to spot the serial cheater before she crosses the room?  Next week: Seven Signs of a Serial Cheater.

 
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